Men, Women, and Chores: From Blame to Teamwork
As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem, North Carolina, I hear over and over again about how straight couples struggle with navigating chores and household responsibilities.
It is a near universal struggle.
But - there is hope. Another way is possible, where partnerships shift from blame and exhaustion to teamwork and creativity.
This blog post normalizes the exhaustion that men face, as well as their partners, and the provides 5 possible steps to help your relationship thrive in the face of adulting.
I’m Completely Exhausted
Before we get into the solution, it’s important to just take a moment to acknowledge the difficult reality of the task modern couples and marriages are facing. Men, if you have ever felt the following, I want to start by just normalizing the situation and letting you know…it makes sense:
YES - You are feeling exhausted after working all day:
I remember reading once that when anthropologists did research they estimated that ancient peoples used to work around 40 hrs a week - which included all the time they spent cooking, cleaning, raising kids, etc. (Sorry - I couldn’t find the original source material for this claim).
We have this idea that ancient people worked non-stop all the time in a frantic drive for survival and that we are wired to do that too, but it turns out they may have more closely resembled the life that we see of lions on the plains in those David Attenboro nature documentaries - there was hunting for sure, but also time just laying around in the sun.
For most of us, capitalism seems to require more and more of our time, leaving us exhausted after a long day’s work, only to come home to housework needing to get done. Men - It makes sense that you are exhausted.
YES - You are being pushed beyond your capacity:
I read another article years ago (and again, I couldn’t find the citation now - sorry!), stating that researchers found that the maximum number of combined working hours for two parents, in order to leave enough time for housework, taking care of kids, and some moderate amount of leisure, was 60 hours in a week.
So - not 60 hours per parent, but 60 hours total!
Very rarely have I encountered a couple where the couple is not working at minimum 80 hours, usually closer to 90 or 100.
No wonder you feel too tired to take care of the things that need to get done at home.
YES - You have a never-ending stream of household responsibilities:
I remember when I was in 5th grade I felt like I had a lot on my plate and told my father I was feeling overwhelmed. His response was simply, “kid, it only gets harder from here”.
Yikes!
But, he’s right in that adulthood demands a lot of us! Adulting is hard.
Here are just a few of the regular demands placed on adults/parents:
Cooking
Cleaning up after meals
Laundry
Lawn care
Fixing the random s@%t that breaks around the house
Vehicle maintenance
Coordinating and Providing Childcare
And honestly, this is, as you know, a very partial list.
YES - There are so many other things you would rather do than chores:
You have all those household responsibilities to do, and yet, there are so many things you would rather be doing! So many men don’t really enjoy their jobs, and so when they come home they are desperate for just a moment of enjoyment, pleasure, happiness…only to encounter more things to do that they would rather not do.
So - hear me when I say this:
Men, your frustration at all of the chores and household responsibilities that are being asked of you totally makes sense.
It is a lot to do. It just is. I also get the frustration that it feels like your partner may always being asking you to take on more and more responsibility when you desperately need a break.
AND -
And here is where we start to make a shift in the article towards awakening a sense of empathy and compassion for our wives/partners…because…they are feeling the exact same way we are feeling:
Your partner is also likely feeling exhausted after a long day.
Your partner is also likely being pushed beyond their capacity.
Your partner also likely desperately needs a break.
Your partner also likely has an unending list of household responsibilities.
Your partner also likely has so many other things they would rather do than chores
Shifting from Blame to Teamwork
Here it is again: it totally makes sense that you feel exhausted and like you can’t take on any more household responsibilities. I get that.
AND
Your partner is likely feeling exactly the same way.
Oftentimes when we feel like we’re at our emotional/mental/physical capacity we can react in anger. This anger is a way of trying to let us (and others) know that something is off and needs to change.
So often men react in anger at their partners when household responsibilities are discussed because they feel maxed out. They are angry because they don’t feel like they can take any more on - and they blame their partner because their partner is the one continuing to bring up more and more household responsibilities that need to be accomplished.
(And I’ll just note here that often our partners are struggling in their own way too. They are also feeling maxed out - and so they begin to react in anger because they can’t take any more on either, or continue at the level that they are currently at - it feels unsustainable, which is expressed through anger).
The shift that has to occur, though, is for you and your partner to recognize this key fact:
My partner is not the problem. The problem is the problem.
The problem of household responsibilities combined with work demands is a problem for you, and for your partner. That is the problem, and that is the problem that you want to work together, as a team, to creatively try to solve.
Here’s another thing:
When your partner is the problem, you will try hard to take on as little as possible out of a kind of power struggle that plays out.
But - when you both recognize that the problem is the problem - you will both start to take on more because you want to help your partner work together to solve the problem.
I’m not a huge sports metaphor guy, but, the metaphor really does apply here: When teams are full of individuals playing for themselves, they do not succeed. A group of far worse athletes on paper who are working together and fighting for one another, can take down a team that have “better” athletes, but are not playing with a sense of cohesion and unity.
So, how do you shift the dynamic from blame-centered to team-centered? How do you make the problem the problem?
Here are 5 steps to try:
5 Steps to Navigate Chores As a Couple:
Name Your Desire to Change and Grow
Two of the greatest words in the English language: I’m sorry.
Simply starting a conversation with your partner where you admit that you have contributed in some way to playing the blame-game rather than being team-centered, and that you want to do whatever you can to shift that dynamic is huge.
If you’re not sure what else to say after ‘I’m sorry’, you can basically use the outline of this blog-post as a frame for the conversation
Here’s a template for you:
I’m sorry.
I want you to know that - start listing off bullet points in first section of blog for example - I’m really exhausted at the end of the day and I’m pushed to my capacity.
Now recognize your partner’s struggles too.
I also want you to know that I recognize you probably are feeling the exact same way, and I haven’t been able to see that before now. I know you also desperately need a break, have an unending list of household responsibilities, and have so many things you would rather do than chores.
Now move on to the next section of the article.
I want to shift from blaming you, to figuring out how we can work together as a team.
2. Find a Regular Time to Discuss Household Responsibilities
It’s so important to find a regular time to check in about household responsibilities. As time goes on and your system gets more and more refined, you will maybe only need 10-15 minutes to check in a week - but in the beginning it can take a while to have honest, productive conversations about how to best solve the problem of household chores.
Here are some great options about when to have that weekly check in:
Once a week after the kids go to bed.
Over the phone or online during lunch breaks.
Over coffee on Saturday afternoon or Sunday mornings
During a regularly scheduled date night.
3. Determine Who Exactly Is Responsible for What Each Week
Often times before a weekly conversation couples get stuck in the same conversation:
“I need you to do more.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“I don’t feel like I should have to tell you what to do.”
“Well then how am I supposed to know what to do?”
It’s frustrating for everyone involved. To make matters worse - often when couples try to solve this conversation, they end up requesting vague things like “I need you to do more.” Wanting your partner to do more is awesome…but…can lead to some misunderstandings.
For example, a wife might tell her husband she needs him to do more around the house. That weekend he spends the entire weekend at Home Depot buying shelving units for the garage. The wife ends up getting upset because he hasn’t don’t anything around the house all weekend - but the husband believed hanging up shelves in the garage was helping out around the house!
A great way to fix this is to determine who exactly is responsible for what each week.
There’s a great product out there called The Fair Play Deck that you can use to help guide your conversations. I’ve written about it here.
The most important thing is - when both partners agree upon exactly what each partner is responsible for in a given week, and you agree that you will check back in one week later, those things are much more likely to get done.
4. Get Creative / Enlist Support
The problem is the problem. So, get creative however you can in order to solve it. The idea is to try and come up with solutions that will work for both partners and help you work together as a team to feel united as you work to solve the problem.
Here are some ideas to consider - but again - get creative and dream about what could work for your unique situation and circumstances:
Are there household responsibilities that you need to agree to let go of for right now as a couple, until your capacity increases?
Is there anything you can enlist support on - childcare, lawncare, cleaning, laundry, pet care?
Who can we get to help us? - Paid professionals, parents, age-appropriate children’s chores, siblings, relatives?
How can we get the person who doesn’t mind doing something doing it - as much as possible?
5. Incorporate Gratitude into the Process
In whatever way works for you - incorporate gratitude into the process. If someone knocks out all their household responsibilities and they are met with nothing but criticism…they are not going to feel like they are part of the same team, and they are going to forget that the problem is the problem.
Conclusion…
As we reach the end of this blog post, I hope you have found inspiration and valuable insights into transforming household dynamics.
Recognizing your shared struggle, supporting one another, and communicating openly about the challenges you face is so important.
Remember, teamwork is the key to finding harmony in managing household responsibilities. It's not about blame or finger-pointing; it's about facing the problem together. By incorporating gratitude, regular check-ins, and creative solutions, you can build a strong foundation of unity and understanding.
Here’s the invitation - to shift the narrative from exhaustion to empowerment, from frustration to teamwork - and pave the way for a more fulfilling and balanced life together with your partner.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, we can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.