Men, Communication, and Entitlement: Healthy vs Toxic Masculinity

As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem who specializes in working with men, I spend a lot of time helping men understand healthy communication and healthy behavior in relationships.

I have heard men ask the following questions countless times:

• Am I acting entitled? 

• Is my partner acting entitled? 

• Is it okay to have needs in a relationship? 

• What is healthy communication anyway?

If your partner is telling you that you are acting entitled, or, if you think that your partner might be entitled, then this post is for you. In this post, I’m going to break down how I understand entitlement, but also how I understand healthy masculinity, and healthy communication.

Healthy Masculinity: Feelings and Needs

All communication is an effort to try to meet our needs. That’s the goal of communication. From the moment we are babies and start crying, we’re trying to get our needs met…and that doesn’t stop for the rest of our lives. Here’s what I believe to be true about humans and communication:

1. All humans have feelings (check out this article I wrote about why counselors are obsessed with feelings.)

2. It’s okay to have feelings, because, we all have them.

3. All humans have needs (if you’re wondering what needs are, check out this article I wrote for a list.)

4. It’s okay to have needs too, because we all have them.

5. All humans are trying to get their needs met through communication.

Healthy communication is about being able to deeply connect with our own feelings and needs, and to make requests about how our partner can help meet our needs, while also being open to understanding your partner's feelings and needs and helping meet their needs.

Oftentimes partners will accuse one another of being toxic or unhealthy because they have needs…but again, needs are healthy and human and we all have them. We’ve always had them, and we always will have them. It’s just part of being human. 

What I’ve witnessed is that it’s not having needs that makes men entitled or toxic…it’s when we do one of these two:

1. Make Demands instead of Requests

2. Connect with Our Own Needs, but Not Our Partners As Well

Toxic Masculinity and Entitlement: Demands vs Requests

Listen to these situations and see if you can feel the difference:

Situation A:

A husband sees their partner at the door after both have worked a long day. The husband  says, “Where’s my dinner? We’ve talked about this…it’s not too much to ask to have a simple meal when I come home”.

Situation B:

A husband sees their partner at the door after both have worked a long day. The husband  says, “I feel totally exhausted and drained from working today, and need a minute to rest. I know you have had a long day too, but I am actually totally at my limit. Would it be possible for you to do the cooking tonight?”

Can you sense a difference?

When people talk about Toxic Masculinity, I think a part of what they are describing is when men get stuck making demands instead of requests.

There’s a subtle, but important difference. In requests that exhibit healthy masculinity, men state their feelings (I am feeling exhausted and drained), and their needs (I need rest), and their request (would it be possible for you to do the cooking tonight). Then, both they and their partner can connect with what they are experiencing. Again, requests will feel much better than demands.

Once men start making demands instead of requests, your partner can feel it inside…it just feels…I don’t know how else to put it…icky.

When we make demands instead of requests, it’s a sign that we are not engaging in healthy communication.

Toxic Masculinity and Entitlement: Not Connecting with Your Partners Feelings/Needs 

There’s a great breakthrough that happens in communication when men are able to clearly articulate their feelings and needs, and can make clear requests about what could help them meet their needs. 

Again, having needs is completely healthy and normal human behavior. Communicating to try to get your needs met is completely healthy and normal human behavior.

But when men are exclusively concerned with meeting their own needs, and can not make any attempt to connect with their partner’s feelings and needs, and can make no effort to hear their partner’s requests to get their needs met, then people will start labeling this as toxic masculinity and entitlement.

Sometimes men will tell me, “I get along so great with my employees…but I can’t seem to get along with my partner, I don’t understand it!” But there’s a real difference between an employee and a partner. An employee will meet your feelings and needs and often keep their own needs to themselves because you’re paying their salary. A partner doesn’t work that way though. A partner also has their own feelings and needs that they want to get met in the relationship as well. (And I would add a really good boss is open to their employees’ feelings and needs too).

Healthy communication is about stating our own feelings and needs, and listening to our partners feelings and needs as well.

Healthy Communication and Couples: Moving Forward

But let’s be totally honest for a moment…it’s not just men that act this way: 

Many of the men I see are in relationships with women that are quick to make demands and don’t have the communication skills to make requests. Many women are trying to get their own needs met (which is human and natural), but don’t have the ability right now to hear the feelings and needs of their partners. 

And oftentimes, it’s both partners who could benefit from learning how to state their own needs clearly, as well as get curious about their partners.

In the end, work with a counselor - either individually or as a couple (and sometimes both!), can do wonders to help people discover what it means to listen to their own feelings and needs, as well as their partners.

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Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.

Hi, I’m Travis.

My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…

You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.

If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.

Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor

In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem

Virtual counselor: North Carolina

Licensed Counselor

Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.

Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.