Connecting with Your Older Children: Men's Conversation Starters for Closer Bonds
As a male counselor that works with men in North Carolina, I hear so many fathers express the pain they feel at the distance between themselves and their teenage or adult children.
Somewhere along the way your kids go from being ‘daddy’s little girl’ or ‘daddy's little boy’ to someone grown up that you barely know anymore. They may live in a totally different city, or still live at home - yet you pass like ships in the night, barely acknowledging each other's existence.
You may have an ache - I mean a real physical pain - in your chest because of how much you love your child(ren) and want to be close to them…but lots of fathers just don’t know how to take the first step to even begin to start that conversation.
Sometimes there’s so much history between you two that you don’t know how you can move forward.
In this post I’m going to give you 3 conversation starters you can share word for word with your child to give the two of you a chance to begin to open up dialogue again, and begin the process of growing closer.
Vulnerability and Honesty
All the conversation starters are going to hinge on a few principals and follow a pretty straightforward, repeatable structure.
Vulnerability and honesty bring people closer together.
When people sense that we are not being honest with each other, or that we are trying to act tough or put on a mask…they immediately have these little alarm bells that go off inside of them that tell them that they also need to put on a mask and pretend. It’s normal and understandable and necessary sometimes in life. But that’s just not going to get to a close, authentic relationship with your child.
When we hear another person speak with vulnerability and honesty about their feelings and universal core needs, people open up. This is why heroes in movies have a some kind of core human quality that we can relate to. Maybe they’re actually scared on the inside, or they worry they’re not enough - even Superman had kryptonite. It’s that core vulnerability that makes heroes relatable and why we want to root for them in movies and stories. And so when we are able to communicate in ways that honestly express our own humanity, people will relate to that too.
This can be scary for men! I totally get it. In order for people to see your humanness, you have to show it to them and put it out there and risk being rejected. It’s not easy. But - it’s the only way for men to move towards deeper relationships.
I’m going to give you three scripts you can use for speaking to your teenage or adult children if you want to open up conversation for a deeper relationship.
They all basically follow this format:
Lead with vulnerability and name how you’re honestly feeling.
Name what you want.
Name a specific action item you and your child could do together (not just let’s be closer…that’s too vague…get specific like - let’s get coffee once a week).
3 Conversation Starters for Men and Their Teenage/Adult Kids
Feel free to use these word for word if they apply, or modify them to fit your situation:
A general statement to work towards reconnecting with your child:
“I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you for a while now, and I wanted you to know that it’s been really hard for me. I care deeply about you, and want to be closer to you, but the truth is I don’t always even know what to say or where to begin. I’d like to try to be closer. I would really like to talk to you on the phone once a week going forward to work to develop a closer relationship. How does that sound to you?”
2. What to say if you’ve made mistakes in the past that you need to name:
“I’ve been feeling really ashamed at some of my actions in the past. I have a lot of regrets, but one of the things I regret most is the distance that I feel between us now. I understand and accept whatever you feel like you need right now, but I want to let you know that I would love to try to be closer to you again, if you are open to that. I am working on myself, and seeing a counselor, but I know I have not been perfect in the past, and I’m still not perfect today. I would really love to have a meal together once a month going forward and spend some time together. How does that sound to you?”
3. When your child is having a difficult time with something:
“I’ve been feeling really heavy hearted watching you struggle right now. Watching you go through this has made me realize how much I want you to know that, even if I haven’t always been there for you in the past, I want to be there for you now. I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m not really even sure how to do all this, but I want to try, if you’re willing. I love you, and I would love for us to just connect at the end of the day for a few minutes every day, just to check in. How does that sound to you?”
Conclusion
As a male counselor who empathizes with the challenges many fathers face in reconnecting with their teenage and adult children, I understand the pain that can arise from feeling distant and disconnected. The journey from being "daddy's little girl" or "daddy's little boy" to having grown children who seem like strangers can be disheartening, but it is not without hope.
Taking the first step toward honest dialogue is really hard, but it is worth it.
Sometimes the first step in honest dialogue is just admitting, ‘I don’t really know how to do this…but I want to try’. Or, ‘I’m seeing a counselor to try and work on myself right now, because I want to be able to be able to express myself better for you.’
I hope the provided conversation starters have offered you a starting point to bridge the gap and initiate heartfelt discussions with your teenage or adult kids. Feel free to use these scripts as they are or adapt them to fit your circumstances.
Be vulnerable and honest, and quick to own up to any mistakes you’ve made in the past.
Finally, building lasting connections takes time and patience. It just does. If you struggle or need further guidance, don't hesitate to seek support from family, friends, or even professional counseling.
Too many men put off this conversation for years hoping it will get better. If it’s going to get better - it’s going to happen because you are able to take the risk of being vulnerable and honest with yourself and your child.
Here's to meaningful conversations, deeper connections, and fatherly love.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.