Men, Anxiety, and Compassion: Embracing Your Inner Child
The echoes of our past still reverberate inside of us, whispering the emotions of younger selves who longed for understanding and compassion they did not receive.
As a mental health counselor specializing in anxiety therapy for men, I've witnessed the profound influence of unmet childhood needs on adult struggles with anxiety and self-criticism.
This post contains story of what it does look like to have your childhood needs met, as well as 3 steps that you can take to heal your own inner-child today.
Don’t Call it Karate
My daughter recently started doing Tae Kwon Do (don’t call it Karate - as I have done mistakenly and was corrected swiftly).
On Saturday the studio she joined had a gathering for all young students, inviting young family members to join as well. There were probably about 50 kids all lined up, crammed into the small space, parents lining the perimeter - cell phones in hand - both for documentation and distraction.
At one point during all the kicking, punching, and yelling, a small boy, probably less than 5, started crying and walked over to the side where his father was. I couldn’t tell exactly what the boy was experiencing from my vantage point - but it looked like something close to fear and overwhelm.
The father gently bent down on one knee and let the child nuzzle his head deep into his father’s chest, as the father wrapped his arms around the back of the child’s head. There was no frustration at all in the body or face of the father - he simply comforted the boy. After maybe about a minute, the boy pulled away from the father’s body, and I saw the two of them intimately and calmly talking. Again - no anger, no frustration from the father.
Then, after about 90 seconds, the boy laughed, the father poked the child’s belly, and off the boy went to join the line to kick, punch, and yell with the rest of the group.
I was struck, as perhaps you are, by the simple beauty and sensitivity of the moment, and of the father.
And at the same time, I’m aware of the sadness within me of all of the men who grew up with fathers who were not able to offer that space of safety, acceptance, and gentleness when they were young and scared or overwhelmed.
Caring For Your Inner Child
When you look inside your own self, what do you find?
Is there a small child in you who, when he cried, was met with criticism, or frustration, or anger?
Sometimes I have clients who will say something sorrowful like, “I just wish I could go back and change the past”. I feel that. I really do. And, the good news is that - psychologically - you can go back and change the past.
We are all the ages that we’ve ever been, and so that young boy is still inside you, but you can be present with him in the way that he needed and never received.
Here are the 3 steps to comfort and heal the inner child within:
Access Your Inner Self
When you think of yourself as a young boy, you may feel all kinds of emotions - shame, regret, guilt, sorrow…
Ask those feelings or parts if they’re willing to step back for a minute so you can help the young boy inside, and so that he can feel your presence with him in a way that he never did at the time.
When those other emotions agree to step back, you will feel a sense of Compassion and Connection with the boy, and a sense of Calm and stillness within yourself.
2. Go to the Boy
From this Compassion within you, pull up the memory (if it feels safe) of when your own fear, anxiety, and moments of overwhelm were not met with tenderness by others.
Then, simply go to the boy in the memory - as the Compassionate adult that you are - and simply ask the boy what he wants to show you, or what he needs from you.
Listen to what he has to say. If you “get” what he has to say, simply let him know that you get it. For example, if he is feeling scared and shares that with you - just let him know, if it’s true, that you get his fear…you understand it.
Continue to let him know you understand what he is feeling, and, after he feels understood, you can ask him what he needs from you, if that feels appropriate:
A hug?
A hand on his shoulder?
For you to wipe his tear off his cheek?
For you to be with him?
What does he need from you?
When you have heard that, you can be with him in the way that he needed an adult to be there for him then, but never received.
3. Set the Boy Free
After the boy has felt sufficiently heard and supported, you can ask him if he is ready to leave this memory/place where he is. If he’s not ready to leave, just do some more listening to whatever else he wants to share with you.
When he is ready though, you can help him leave that scene, and go to whatever scene he would like to:
Would he like to go play with his friends?
Would he like to join you in the present?
Would he like to go play with your own children now?
As you and he move to this new place, have him let go of all the fear and whatever emotions that he has been carrying all these years. He, and your entire body, will experience a sense of lightness as the weight he has been carrying is released.
Next Steps…
The tender moment I witnessed at the Tae Kwon Do studio serves as a powerful reminder of the impact of compassion and understanding on a child's emotional growth. As men, it's essential to acknowledge the young boy that still resides within us, longing for the care and support that may have been lacking in our past.
Healing your inner child can be a transformative journey, leading to greater emotional well-being and healthier relationships. However, that kind of healing is actually really difficult to undertake on your own.
If you find that the wounds from your past continue to weigh heavily on your present, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. A mental health counselor can provide a safe space to explore and heal your inner child, guiding you towards greater self-compassion and emotional resilience.
Your inner child does not have to continue to suffer in silence and fear, isolated and alone any longer - you have the power to connect with and heal them through your own inner Compassion. With the right support, you can embark on a path of healing and growth.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, we can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person therapy: Winston-Salem
Online virtual therapy: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.