Awareness: A Key Component of Healthy Masculinity
There is a lot of talk about Toxic Masculinity in our culture right now. As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem who specializes in working with men, I have had many occasions where clients share with me that they don’t want to be Toxic…but…they are also confused about what Healthy Masculinity actually looks like.
I know my client’s aren’t the only ones who feel this confusion either.
Living without a healthy vision of masculinity to grow towards is a bit like trying to move across the country without a map or destination in mind, and hoping you’ll end up in the right place.
Everytime you get to an exit or an intersection on the highway, you just sort of flip a coin and continue to wander along…
You may end up somewhere like Austin or Seattle…or…you may end up somewhere like Shamrock, Oklahoma, population 14 (it’s a real place).
Without a map or destination in mind, who knows where you’ll end up.
Having a vision of healthy masculinity provides men with a map and a destination. And unfortunately, many men are going through life with neither.
For me, one of the key components of Healthy Masculinity is the presence of AWARENESS.
By the end of this post, you’ll understand three ways AWARENESS applies to healthy masculinity, and have a piece of the road map to follow towards living a more connected life.
Healthy Masculinity: AWARENESS of Your Own Emotions
Part of being human is having emotions.
So much of what people consider Toxic Masculinity arises from a man’s inability to understand and be aware of his own emotions, with the possible exception of Anger. (In fact, men labeled as exhibiting Toxic Masculinity can usually feel Anger quite readily).
Therefore, Healthy Masculinity must include becoming increasingly aware of, and making space to feel and understand the messages that your emotions are sending you.
Emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, disgust, joy…they’re inside all of us.
When men are labelled ‘toxic’, it’s usually because they do not know how to sit with the intensity of their other emotions like sadness, anxiety, self-disgust. They fear experiencing those emotions would simply be too overwhelming to experience, and so, they get angry. In a strange way, anger can actually help men out, because it can create a buffer between themselves and the intense feelings they do not want to, or know how to feel.
But just because men don’t want to, or know how to feel emotions other than anger doesn’t mean those emotions don’t exist within them. Remember - part of being human is having emotions.
And so all these intense emotions that men don’t know how to acknowledge being inside of them all come out sideways as anger or in other destructive ways.
When men don’t know how to feel their own emotions (sadness, anxiety, self-disgust, shame) they will often make others feel in the form of anger:
This is what “toxic masculinity” really is…when men use control and violence to make others feel the pain that they are not able to connect with and feel in themselves.
Therefore, Healthy Masculinity involves increasingly learning how to recognize and feel all of the emotions within you, so that we can take ownership and responsibility for those emotions, and decrease the amount of control and violence you exhibit on others.
Gaining AWARENESS of all of your emotions…learning to be with them with curiosity and connection so that you no longer harm others is a part of healthy masculinity.
Critics may say that becoming aware of your emotions creates weak, “feminized” men. I assure you, however, taking responsibility for your own pain and the ways that you are hurting others takes an incredible amount of inner-strength and fortitude to undergo.
2. Healthy Masculinity: AWARENESS of Others Emotions
Gaining AWARENESS of our own emotions allows us to connect with ourselves. It also allows us to more deeply connect with others.
When you can not understand what is within you, you will struggle to understand what is happening in others.
Lack of awareness of ourselves means lack of awareness of what our partner, children, employees, boss, etc. are going through.
When all we know how to name and experience is anger, then the only thing we can really understand other people in our lives experiencing is anger. It’s just all we know and can relate to. And usually, we think their anger is directed toward us.
Healthy masculinity, therefore, is when men can connect with the other feelings inside of them:
loss
guilt
shame
regret
anxiety
When men can connect with those emotions in themselves, suddenly they can connect with others as well. They can more accurately name and become aware of the emotions others are experiencing - they can actually connect with them on a deeper level. And when you can connect on a deeper level, both you and the person you are in relationship with will benefit.
“Toxic Masculinity” is leaving others alone and isolated in their pain because we can not understand it, and find their pain too confusing or overwhelming to make sense of.
Healthy Masculinity therefore involves becoming increasingly aware of others’ emotions, so that you can connect with them in ways that lead to more compassion for yourself, others, and what it means to be human.
3. Healthy Masculinity: AWARENESS Of Your Body
“Toxic Masculinity” involves forcing and coercing others to do your will, no matter what they actually desire or want for themselves. It is about control and power.
Additionally, “toxic masculinity” means men extend this same forceful and controlling mindset to their own bodies.
The shift from toxic to healthy masculinity, therefore, is about beginning to recognize your body as something to be listened to and something to be in relationship with, rather than something to be dominated and controlled.
Some bodies desire to move, stretch, push, and feel themselves at the outer-limits of their physical capabilities. Physical movement and exercise is linked in study after to study to improved mental health outcomes, and our bodies can cry out for this movement.
But other times, when men can tune into their bodies, they receive different messages:
Sometimes bodies are crying out for rest.
Sometimes bodies long for connection.
Sometimes bodies hold within them stored trauma longing to be acknowledged.
Sometimes bodies contain energy and emotions longing to be witnessed compassionately.
Again, if ‘toxic’ masculinity is about shutting ourselves off from our bodies in an attempt to dominate them, healthy masculinity looks like being in deeper connection with what our bodies are trying to tell us. Partnership and connection, instead of domination and exertion of control.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
If you’re dominated by anger and out of connection with yourself and others…I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.