A New Vision of Masculinity: Adaptability
He won’t back down. He wins-at-all-costs. He’s…suffering and doesn’t know it.
Sports, politics, and business celebrate images of men who don’t back down, change, or compromise:
The famous basketball player who was cut from their high school team, only to become an all-time NBA legend.
The politician who has been unwavering and consistent in their stances across years of public service.
The entrepreneur who had failed business attempt after failed business attempt, but believed in themselves and their vision enough to keep trying, until eventually creating a successful, paradigm-shifting business.
Yes! There absolutely is a place for knowing your own values and acting out of your stated value system. Yes! There absolutely is a place for striving towards a goal that has been set out before you.
And yet, healthy masculinity is also about Adaptability. And let’s face it…life can really push you to adapt in big ways:
When the doctor shares the diagnosis
When the relationship falls apart
When the test score finally gets posted
When the boss lets us know that it’s not working out
In these moments, Adaptability is absolutely required to meet the moment.
When our culture talks about ‘toxic masculinity,’ one of the traits I think they are talking about is when men see Adaptability and Change as a character flaw…as giving up…as weakness…but healthy Adaptability is a sign of internal peace and openness in a world where change is our constant.
Adaptability in Men: When at first you don’t succeed, breathe, breathe again.
Adaptability is a component of healthy masculinity. When we’re under stress we often find ourselves thinking things like:
this has to happen…
it has to be this way…
if this doesn’t happen I’m a failure…
If this doesn’t happen I’m screwed…
We’re anything but adaptable in those moments. Persistence and sheer determination can sometimes drive us forward towards a goal…but a lack of openness and adaptability can frequently be a sign we’re operating from a place of anger and fear, not from a deep well of emotional health.
Sometimes we can bang against a door and force the door open…sometimes we can bang our head against the door over and over and end up with a headache.
When we’re in fight or flight mode we can often only see two possible outcomes in a given situation:
Either I win and you lose, or I lose and you win
Either we live happily ever after, or I’ll be alone and miserable for the rest of my life
Either this deal comes together, or I lose my job and I’m totally f@cked
When our decisions and life are marked by the mindset that things have to or must turn out a certain way, it’s often an indication that we’re operating from within a fight or flight mindset.
Being in fight or flight mode isn’t bad - it’s hard-wired into our brain and sometimes we need to fight or flee in order to survive. But the thing is:
Fight or flight mode is a space to move into when necessary and move out of as quickly as it’s safe to do so. It’s not a space to live in forever. Unfortunately, many men do just that.
This kind of absolute thinking that things have to turn out a certain way can at times drive us to work long and hard…but it’s also a sign we’re living from a space where we’re fighting or fleeing. It can be a sign that we’re so fixed on fighting and fleeing that we’re unable to relax into being open to other options, other ways of things turning out. We can be so busy banging on one door, trying to force it open that we’re not able to look up and notice there are other doors all around us…any one of which may open with a simple turn of the handle.
When we’re operating from a place of adaptability suddenly the following happens:
We recognize there are more options than just A or B
We recognize there’s more happening than just right or wrong
We recognize there are more directions than just left or right
Adaptability means a calm confidence that even if your preferred timeline does not unfold, you can trust that other options are available, or will become available.
Adaptability and Healthy Masculinity: Do as I Say, Not as I Do…
Before moving to Greensboro for my partner’s job a few years ago I was in a totally different career field. I knew that in the career I was in, there would likely be zero to one job in the whole city for what I did. Naturally, I went into fight or flight mode…I closed down and I believed if there was just one job, I had to be the one to get it. If I didn’t get it, I thought, I was screwed.
I began working frantically to try to gain skills to be the ideal candidate for a job I didn’t even know would exist (fight mode). I began becoming extremely anxious about what would happen if I didn’t get that job that didn’t exist (flight mode).
I was working hard, but I was not healthy. I was anything but adaptable, because I believed things had to turn out a certain way…my preferred way. And my preferred way was the only safe and secure way.
I moved to Greensboro with that extremely narrow view of what my life and job had to look like…and…it just didn’t happen. I was crushed.
I was so stuck in fight or flight that I couldn’t open myself to other options or possibilities before me. But now, looking back, I can see just how many other possibilities there were that I had not even imagined. In the end, as I began to release my anger and anxiety about the job, I began opening up to other possibilities - and the idea of becoming a counselor began to grow inside of me…this new third option emerged.
Before all I had seen was - either I get the job or I’m screwed…but over time, there was an alternative I had not been able to previously consider. If I had been able to access this adaptability year earlier, I think I would have ended up exactly where I am at today, but with far less pain and suffering than it took me to get here.
Conclusion
Adaptability means opening to the present moment with an openness and sense of possibility, instead of desperately grasping at the way things “have to be.” It’s not that it’s wrong to grasp…it’s totally understandable when our vision closes, and we become scared and try to control the future. But, inner calm and inner courage is found in discovering adaptability.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.