Behind Men’s Anger: Why Am I More Explosive Than A Stick of Dynamite in a Gun Powder Factory?

AnxietyAngerMen

Dec 25

Head in hands. Slumped shoulders. “I don’t know what happened…I just…lost it.”

As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem that specializes in working with men, I’ve seen this confession in my office over and over again. Frustration and Angry outbursts often leave men feeling confused and defeated.

If you’ve ever gotten upset and wondered “what the hell just happened?”...this post is for you.

Men, Anxiety & Anger: Feeling Out of Control

For most men - when they get curious about where their anger is coming from, the origins can be traced to feeling out of control. And it’s easy to find the reasons in our life that we feel out of control too.

First, there are the large-scale systemic factors that leave us feeling out of control. These reasons clatter on in the background, filling our newsfeeds and our subconscious with a feeling that life is dangerous and there is simply nothing we can do to prevent impending suffering or pain. Have you noticed any of these in your newsfeed or rattling around in the back of your mind lately?:

Rising sea levels and shrinking glaciers.
Global warming and rising food prices.
Images of war, conflict, and violence from across the globe threatening to jump out of the screen and into our own lives.
Polarized political figures warning us that others are extreme, anti-American, and a threat to our safety.
Stories of catastrophes that others simply could not predict or escape from - acts of violence, car crashes, fires or natural disasters.

All of these issues and more remind us daily that there are larger forces than us at play in our world. They are reminders that in a very real way we are not in control of our lives in the way we often pretend and would like to imagine ourselves to be. Most of us see these images on our screens from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep.

It’s not just large, systemic issues that feel out of control either. Often, our work environment - the place where we spend most of our waking life - can feel out of control as well. Do these sound familiar?:

A difficult employee that seems to make your life miserable.
The feeling that you're being slowly dehumanized and pushed to be more and more efficient to pay for someone else’s 3rd vacation home.
A paycheck that seems to get stretched further and further every month.
A boss that does not appreciate what you have to offer, and can not see you as the full human being that you are.
The requirement to do tasks or jobs that feel meaningless and counterproductive, or even worse, go against your own personal morals in order to receive a paycheck.

We carry all these worries and feelings of being out of control with us - both from larger systems and our work environment - and then we arrive at home at the end of the day with no space or margin left…

Men, Anxiety & Anger: Losing Control to Try and Find It

As we feel more and more out of control in our lives, our feelings of anxiety and anger can slowly increase.

When men arrive at home, insignificant (and sometimes seemingly significant!) issues with our relationships - either with our partners or our children - become the final bit of out of control that tips us over the edge into a fit of anger.

Our feeling out of control can feel like a radio playing static. You can ignore the radio at low levels, but when the volume of the static becomes too great and starts blaring in your ears, you naturally are going to do what you can to bring the volume down. That’s when anger takes over.
In those moments it feels like you are out of control. You might yell or shout or snap at your kids. It feels as if you are “losing control” by shouting or snapping - but the truth is - you are “losing control” in an effort to gain more control and reduce the static volume that is simply playing too loudly in your life.

Each of us have different levels of volume of static, or out of controlness that we can handle. Some men have difficulty with even low levels of feeling out of control…and so it does not take much to create a response to try to gain control by “losing it.” For other men, they can tolerate a higher amount of feeling out of control before they react to try to gain control again by “losing it.”

Men, Anxiety & Anger: The True Opposite of Feeling Out Of Control

Many men spend their whole life desperately trying to be more and more in control in order to reduce their feelings of anxiety and their fear of feeling out of control.

Men try to gain control over their work environment, they try to gain control over their friendships, they try to gain control over their home environment and families - again - because they believe that the way to peace is by gaining control of others and their situation.

But what if the cure for the anxiety of feeling out of control isn’t being in control?

When we think the opposite of being out of control is being in control, we still find ourselves anxious and stressed out at the thought of being out of control. We find ourselves needing increasingly more and more control to try to reduce our anxiety and not feel out of control. As a result, we may find ourselves losing our temper more and more often.

Here’s the secret hiding in plain site that few men are able to recognize:

The opposite of being out of control isn’t being in control…it’s the recognition that you are safe in the present moment.

We fear being out of control because it feels unsafe. On a deep sometimes subconscious level we associate being out of control with our own safety, and we view feeling out of control as a threat to our very being. We fear that being out of control could result in pain or harm to us.

When we try to control others in order to decrease our anxiety and feeling of being out of control, it’s a temporary solution at best…

A more lasting solution is to gain the ability to simply take a breath, and assess whether you are safe in the moment:

When you’re feeling out of control at work - ask yourself - am I safe? Not in the future, which is always uncertain, but in this exact moment - sitting at my desk checking emails, am I safe? The answer is often yes.
When you’re feeling out of control watching images of violence on our phones - ask yourself - am I safe? In this exact moment, in the comfort of my bed scrolling on my phone - am I safe? The answer is often yes.
When you’re feeling out of control as our children run and jump and scream and yell - ask yourself - am I safe? My child may be loud, but I am still safe at this moment.

When we can recognize our safety in the exact moment we find ourselves in - we no longer feel out of control, and we no longer feel the need to try to “lose it” to gain control.

When we recognize we are safe, we no longer feel anxious.

When we recognize we are safe, we no longer feel out-of-control.

When we recognize we are safe, we no longer need to control others or the situation.

When we recognize we are safe, we can simply be present with a new kind of openness as the moment unfolds before us.

Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.

Hi, I’m Travis.

My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…

You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.

If you’re dominated by anger and anxiety I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.

Travis Jeffords Male Counselor Winston Salem North Carolina — **Travis Jeffords** **- LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor**
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina

Licensed Counselor