The Missing Link in Male Communication: Saying 'Thank You'
Wouldn’t it be great if there was some crazy magical way for the following to happen:
Make your partner or others in your life feel appreciated.
Make your partner feel emotionally close to you.
Increase your partner’s and others’ desire to do more of what you like.
Get your kids to do more of what you want them to do.
Raise kind, socially well-adjusted children.
It sounds amazing right? A total win-win-win-win-win situation.
Well…there actually is a crazy magical way for that to happen. You’re going to roll your eyes when I tell you this because it’s so simple. But, just because it’s simple does not mean it’s not effective. And, in it’s own way, maybe that is kind of magical. Here it is:
TELL THEM THANK-YOU!
As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem, North Carolina who works primarily with men, I know that saying ‘thank you’ may not come naturally to men for a lot of reasons. I also know that it really can change their relationships and their lives for the better.
This blog will tell you why you may struggle to say thank you - and give you a concrete formula for how to implement saying thank-you into your life in a way that will help your relationships.
Positive vs Negative Reinforcement
Saying thank you when someone does something you like is what psychologists call ‘positive reinforcement.’ Positive reinforcement is just giving someone something positive every time they do something that you want to happen more.
Most people get some serious positive reinforcement every two weeks in the form of a paycheck from their job. That check hits the bank and they think, ‘I’ll keep doing that for two more weeks!’
Some men have a real aversion to saying thank you (I’ll touch on that later). If that’s you and you really hate the idea of telling people thank you, just imagine every time you are telling someone thank you that you are handing them a $20 bill that actually costs you nothing. Positive reinforcement.
The opposite of positive reinforcement is, naturally, negative reinforcement. Most negative reinforcement, especially with kids, is punishment. So, taking something away when a child does something you don’t want them to do. For lots of men this can be their go-to parenting strategy.
Here’s the thing - lots of research shows us that positive reinforcement is actually way more effective than negative reinforcement.
What does that mean?
If you want your children to do more of something, it’s way more effective to thank them when they are doing something right than to punish them when they do something wrong.
It’s the same with adults and your partner too:
It is more effect to thank someone than to punish them.
Why Men Have Trouble Saying Thank You
It may sound simple, but for a lot of men it can actually be difficult to say thank you to others…especially when it involves deeper levels of vulnerability (see Level 3 below).
Here are a few things to think about:
Men are Taught to Be ‘Rugged Individuals’ and Not Need Others
Men in particular receive messages that they’re not supposed to need anyone. Men are taught to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. Men are told that they should be able to live by themselves with nothing but a rusty old hatchet and a pocket knife in the Canadian wilderness for 30 years.
When we’ve received those messages, we can feel like there’s something wrong with us if we say ‘thank you’ and admit that we appreciate and benefit from others' help.
Here’s the deal:
Despite the myth that we’re told about rugged individualism, humans are deeply social creatures.
We actually do need each other. It’s not about strength or weakness or anything…it’s just the actual truth. We’re interconnected. So, saying thank you is actually just naming the truth.
Some Men Never Received Appreciation, So They Feel Like Other’s Shouldn’t Need It Either
Some men have the mentality, ‘well nobody thanked me when I did shit growing up, why should I thank someone else.’
You may get pissed off at me and throw the book away when you read this, but you need to hear it:
It is not a good thing that you did not receive adequate appreciation, gratitude, or affirmation growing up. It’s actually really sad.
If this is the truth for you, part of your growth as a human is to:
a) get in touch with and heal those hurt younger parts of yourself that never received the support they needed growing up, and then
b) find joy in showing gratitude to others, knowing you are breaking that chain of pain that you were originally raised into.
Some Men Don’t Care About Receiving Thank Yous, So They Don’t Get Why Others Like It
Maybe being thanked just isn’t your thing. Some people don’t like it for whatever reason. (I think you could talk to someone about that…but you know as a therapist I basically always think people could benefit from therapy).
If that’s you - ask yourself this - what DO you like and value in a relationship?
Financial security?
Physical intimacy?
Alone time/Freedom?
Okay. Cool. Whatever you value in relationships, you value. Now, imagine saying thank you may be your partners (or family/coworkers/etc.) version of your thing.
If you value financial security, how would you feel if everytime you did something around the house your partner handed you a crisp $100 bill. You’d love it, and you would start helping out around the house a lot more. That may be what saying thank you feels like to others.
If you value physical intimacy, how would you feel if every time you mowed the lawn your partner was waiting to make passionate love to you when you were done. You’d love it, and you’d mow the lawn every damn day. That may be what saying thank you feels like to others.
So how do you actually do it? How do you say thank you in meaningful ways in your life?
Here are the three different levels of saying thank you that you can use with your partner and others in your life:
Operationalizing It: 3 Levels of Saying Thank You to Your Partner
Level 1: A Simple Thank You
Just simply saying ‘thanks’ or ‘thank you’ when your partner does something kind, nice, thoughtful, positive is a great start.
If you notice your partner doing any of the following in the moment:
Making dinner
Cleaning the dishes
Cleaning the bathroom
Making the bed
Picking up/putting away groceries
Any of those small but totally helpful and amazingly great things that just make your life easier and better…if those are things that you would like to continue to happen…just simply say ‘thanks’ or ‘thank you’ in the moment.
That’s it. That simple. That’s Level 1.
Level 2: Thank You for _________
Taking it up a very small level, Level 2 is just naming the thing that you partner has done that you are thankful for, either in the moment or after it has happened:
Thank you for calling the insurance company today.
Thank you for going to my favorite restaurant for dinner tonight.
Thank you for watching the kids while I met my friends for drinks tonight.
Thank you for dropping the dog off at the vet.
If you would like these concrete things that your partner is doing to continue, let them know that you are grateful by saying thank you and explicitly naming what you are thankful for.
Level 3: When you _________, I felt __________, and that’s something that I really value in our relationship. Thank you.
Level 3 is a pretty big jump. This is where you begin to add in increasing vulnerability and awareness of your own needs that are being met at the moment. Not everyone gets here, but this is a real relationship game changer.
When you ___________
Start out by naming the event that occurred, just like in Level 2:
When you called the insurance company today,
When you went to my favorite restaurant for dinner tonight,
Now - the next step is to cue in to the basic human need that your partner is meeting by doing that thing. (For a list of basic human needs click here). This is increasing the vulnerability that you’re sharing with your partner, and inviting a greater depth into the relationship.
But what it’s also doing is letting your partner know on a deeper level just how meaningful their action was. The more your partner knows just how grateful you are, and just how important that action was, the more likely they are to repeat it…because they care about you and want to make you feel warm and fuzzy and good inside and all that stuff.
Here are some examples:
“When you gave me that handjob last night, I felt really connected, close, and affectionate in a way I haven’t felt in a long time, and being close and connected is something I really value in our relationship. Thank you.”
“When you told your family that we were going to spend July 4th on our own instead of getting together with them like we usually do, I felt seen and considered. Being seen and considered is really something I value in our relationship. Thank you.”
You don’t have to say Level 3 thank yous every time your partner takes out the garbage, but when your partner does something that really aligns with your own human needs as a person in a deep way - it’s important to let them know that. When you communicate at this level:
Your partner feels closer to you.
You feel closer to your partner.
Your partner becomes increasingly aware of what is important to you and what you value, making it easier for them to support your needs in the future.
You open the door for them to share their own human needs on a deeper level.
Hopefully you become more open to receiving their human needs as you experience your partner receiving yours.
Win-win-win-win-win.
Action Item:
As you go through your day today, look for moments to give simple Level 1 or Level 2 thank yous. And one time this week, push yourself to find a moment to share a Level 3 thank you with someone.
If all of this thank you stuff just sounds a little too much, that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person or messed up or anything…it just means you may need the help of a therapist to help work through whatever is blocking you from the freedom of appreciating people, and receiving the benefits, joys, and happiness that comes with that.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.