Men’s Communication 101: Better Relationships Begin with Feelings and Needs
There’s a moment during the first couples counseling session where I ask the couple to ‘discuss’ a controversial topic they’ve been dealing with while I watch them. Things usually start out very civil. The couple is aware that they’re being watched and perhaps fear being analyzed by me, so they want to be on their best behavior in front of the company in the room. Around minute 4 or 5 however, something shifts. Things take a marked turn and their conversation becomes much more confrontational. Sometimes, by the end of the 10 minutes, the couple is straight up pissed off at each other. At that point, I usually say something like ‘thank you so much, that was very informative for me, and that gives me a lot of information to work from to help you going forward’.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way of communicating that didn’t lead to escalation, tension, and conflict?
What if when there was conflict, you knew how to calmly own your own truth, while being open and curious about what your partner was sharing?
What if your communication led to deeper understanding, compassion, and connection with your partner, your kids, and others?
Most men agree this would be amazing. The good news is, it’s totally possible.
Before you solve the problem though - you have to know what the actual problem is. As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winson-Salem, North Carolina who works with men and couples, I have seen my share of conflict and poor communication. I can even tell you, pretty quickly, what a main communication problem boils down to, and how to fix it.
That’s what this post is about.
Men’s Communication 101: The Blame Game
Marshall Rosenberg’s iconic book Nonviolent Communication makes the claim that most people only have two ways of relating to one another. People may use different words. People may complain about different topics. But when it all comes down to it, there are just two simple ways that most people communicate:
One way is to say ‘It’s Your fault’.
The other is to say ‘It’s My fault’.
That’s it. This is what The Blame Game is. When all you can do is blame someone else or yourself. People get caught playing ‘The Blame Game’, because that’s the only way they know how to communicate. They think that’s the only option. It’s really unfortunate.
It’s like if you had a brand new iPhone, but you only used it for the calculator app. It’s all they know, and so they miss out on a whole world of possibilities in communication. Again, for most of the men I see in my counseling practice, their relationships play out in the same exact predictable way. You can change the person, you can swap the topic, but the same underlying pattern plays out again and again. It goes like this:
Someone (often the man in the straight couples in my counseling practice, but it definitely doesn’t have to be), is upset about something in the relationship but tries to ignore it, and suppress his emotions to himself and his partner. He tells himself everything is okay, or that everything ‘should’ be okay, even when inside he knows things are not okay. He’s in denial.
This goes on with the man getting more and more frustrated, but pretending that he’s not really upset.
Eventually - it’s all too much to hold in, and the man explodes in a fit of anger or even rage. It all comes out. ‘It’s YOUR fault!’ he says.
A few minutes, hours, or days after the explosion, a sense of regret and shame sets in. The man shifts internally from blaming his partner, to blaming himself. ‘It’s MY fault’, he thinks to himself. ‘Why couldn’t I just control my emotions? Why did I need to explode? Why did I make such a big deal out of nothing?’
He vows not to get upset again. There is a period of peace in the relationship. The man continues to deny his feelings and needs and suppresses his emotions, and, the tension starts building again.
The cycle starts all over, repeating itself.
Does this sound familiar to you in some way?
Men’s Communication 101: What Communication is All About
What if instead of communication being all about blame and figuring out whose fault it is, it was actually about something else?
Marshall Rosenberg’s theory, which I am totally on board with, is that communication is an attempt to get our needs met.
Communication is an attempt to get our needs met.
Think about it - from our very first communication as babies - our crying out is just an attempt to get our basic needs met: milk, to be held, to have our diaper changed, etc. We’re just doing the same thing but all grown up. Children, teenagers, adults, all of our communication is about trying to get our needs met. The problem is, very few of us know this, and even fewer actually know what their own feelings and needs are. Instead of communication being about ‘The Blame Game’, developing healthier communication skills is about shifting from focusing on who to blame, to focusing on:
What are my feelings and needs?
What are the feelings and needs of my partner?
Men’s Communication 101: What Am I Feeling?
In order to know what your needs are, you need to know what your feelings are. There’s a real stereotype about men that we are completely unaware of our own feelings and see our feelings as unnecessary and non-existent. Some men I see in my practice feel that way, and others don’t. But whether you are aware of your feelings or not - I guarantee that you have them.
My car has a check engine light on the dashboard. I remember the first time the light went off, I was like ‘what even IS that?!’ Thankfully, I looked it up, saw the light meant I was supposed to take the car to a repair shop, and did. Imagine if I just drove for months with that little light going off and ignored it. I could get away with it for a while…maybe even a long while…maybe a very long while…but one day it would all end with my car broken down on the side of the highway with me saying ‘I had no idea! I can’t believe this happened! I just wish there was something I could have done!’
It’s the same with men who are not aware of, or who suppress and deny their emotions. They can get away with it for a while…for years even… but there is an effect on them and their relationships whether they are aware of it or not. I’m not trying to scare you here, I’m just telling the truth:
You don’t have to wait til your relationships are broken down for you to get help.
You can also think of feelings as just raw data, if that helps. Thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations…it’s all data that is there to help us. When we are aware of more of that raw data by becoming more aware of our feelings, we are actually more empowered to make the decisions that actually benefit us.
So how do you start recognizing feelings in yourself? It’s helpful first to even know what options there are! Check out the list below. It’s a list of possible feelings. In the next few days look through the list at different moments and ask yourself, ‘what feeling am I really feeling now?’
You may even be feeling more than one. That’s okay…that’s great. Again, just sit for a few moments each day, notice what feeling you are feeling, and name it to yourself.
List of Feelings
Happy:
Playful, content, interested, proud, accepted, powerful, peaceful, trusting, optimistic, aroused, cheeky, free, joyful, curious, inquisitive, successful, confident, respected, valued, courageous, creative, loving, thankful, sensitive, intimate, hopeful, inspired
Surprised:
Startled, confused, amazed, excited, shocked, dismayed, disillusioned, perplexed, astonished, awe, eager, energetic
Bad:
Bored, busy, stressed, tired, indifferent, apathetic, pressured, rushed, overwhelmed, out of control, sleepy, unfocused
Fearful:
Scared, anxious, insecure, weak, rejected, threatened, helpless, frightened, overwhelmed, worried, inadequate, inferior, worthless, insignificant, excluded, persecuted, nervous, exposed
Angry:
Let down, humiliated, bitter, mad, aggressive, frustrated, distant, critical, betrayal, resentful, disrespected, ridiculed, indignant, violated, furious, jealous, provoked, hostile, infuriated, annoyed, withdrawn, numb, skeptical, dismissive
Disgusted:
Disapproving, disappointed, awful, repelled, judgmental, embarrassed, appalled, revolted, nauseated, detestable, horrified, hesitant
Sad:
Lonely, vulnerable, despair, guilty, depressed, hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, inferior, empty, remorseful, ashamed, powerless, grief, fragile, victimized, abandoned, isolated
*This list of feelings is originally based off Dr. Gloria Wilcox’s famous feelings wheel. You can find it here.
Recognizing your feelings is the beginning of healthy communication. That’s as honest and straightforward as I can put it. If you struggle to recognize what you are feeling, you are going to also struggle to recognize what your partner, spouse, coworker, employees, children, etc. are feeling. If you struggle to know what you are feeling and what they are feeling, you’re going to struggle to connect with them and communicate in a healthy way.
Once you can recognize your own feeling (or feelings), the next question you can begin to ask is, ‘what need is this feeling trying to show me is not being met?’
If you are feeling sad, angry, disgusted, bad, afraid…there is a need of yours that isn’t being met right now.
A lot of men are told and shown that they’re not allowed to have needs at all. American culture values the myth of “rugged individualism”, and men in particular are told they’re supposed to be able to be completely self-sufficient. We’re supposed to be able to live for 30 years in the woods with nothing but a hatchet and a pocket knife or something.
But all humans have needs. And that’s okay…it’s just a part of being human.
The more we can know and be honest about our own basic human needs, the more we can actually support ourselves and others to live richer, fuller lives. Because if you have a need that you are not consciously aware of that is not being met, it’s going to be affecting you and your relationships in ways you are not aware of, or in ways that are confusing and frustrating to you.
Here’s a list of some of the basic human needs we all have:
Basic Human Needs
Connection:
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect, safety, stability, support, to be known, to know, to be seen, to see, to be understood, trust, warmth
Meaning:
Awareness, celebration, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding
Physical Well-Being:
Air, food, movement, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, water
Peace:
Beauty, communication, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order
Autonomy:
Choice, freedom, independence, space
Honesty:
Authenticity, integrity, presence
Play:
Joy, humor
*Needs list created by Marshall Rosenberg
Men’s Communication 101: French Fries And Communicating Needs
Once again for the people in the back: Communication is about people trying to get their needs met. When we realize this, it can greatly change how we communicate with others, and can reduce the conflict that we have with them.
The other night my family ordered fast food for dinner and, unfortunately, my seven year old daughter’s order got messed up. She wanted french fries, but instead received apple slices. She became incredibly upset. In the moment, I have to admit I did not handle it as well as I wish I had. Suddenly I was starting to become upset as well! ‘It’s not a big deal, it's just some stupid french fries!’ I told her. That did not help the situation, as you can imagine.
My wife on the other hand intuitively understood the feelings and needs that were happening in the moment. My daughter was feeling let down, disappointed and perhaps out of control. What she was really needing was not a lecture from me about perspective, but her core human need was to be seen (reread that needs list above, the need ‘to be seen’ is there, I promise you). My wife, in a calm tone, let my daughter know that she understood how disappointing it was. My wife told my daughter she knew that my daughter had waited all day for those fries, and it really is disappointing to end up with something different than you want after waiting so long. And you know what? It totally worked. Within 90 seconds my daughter was calm and had totally forgotten about the fries. My wife understood that my daughter’s core human need wasn’t for french fries. In that moment, it was to be seen.
When you can start from the perspective that others are trying to communicate core needs with you, you will find yourself much calmer and much more compassionate. You’ll be able to understand what’s happening inside another person, perhaps even more than they understand what’s going on in themselves.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re struggling to name feelings and needs and communicate in ways that help you and your relationships flourish, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.