Healthy Communication for Men: Naming How You Feel
Does this sound familiar to you?:
You walk in the house after a long day of work. If you’re honest, you’re burnt out, frustrated, and just have nothing left in the tank to give. Your partner asks you, ‘Are you mad?’.
‘No’ you tell them. You don’t want to burden them with your frustration, but also, you just don’t want to have to be honest about your frustration to yourself either. The conversation doesn’t stop there. Your partner continues, ‘I feel like you're mad at me’.
‘I’m not mad’, you lie.
The conversation escalates and next thing you know you’re both mad, angry, and frustrated with each other.
I hate hearing about situations like this…and I know you hate living out situations like this too. The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way.
As a male therapist in Greensboro and Winston-Salem who works with men and couples on communication, I’m going to give you insight on why naming how you feel actually decreases the odds that you and your partner will argue, rather than increasing them.
I know it sounds totally counter-intuitive, but it’s the truth.
Healthy Communication: Why Naming Your Feelings Puts Your Partner At Ease
It may feel very weird to actually name how you’re feeling at first. But the strange thing is, rather than burdening other people (which many men worry they will do), it actually puts them at ease!
Your partner, children, and co-workers all have little built-in alarm systems (we all do), that register whether people are upset or not. It’s part of the ancient wiring of our brain and we need them to survive. If you are angry, anxious, sad, etc., people around you will sense that. But here’s the deal:
If you lie to your partner (and yourself) and tell them ‘No, I’m feeling fine’ when you are not, then it actually makes your partner more uncomfortable, and creates more tension in the relationship.
Your partner will think ‘he tells me he’s fine, but I’m feeling otherwise in my gut. Did I do something wrong? Are he and I okay? I’m getting mixed messages inside of me…what’s happening!?’’
It’s creates a really confusing situation inside people. You’re telling them one thing, but their built-in alarm system is telling them another.
So what do you do instead?
First, you yourself have to recognize your own feelings. For a lot of men that can get a little tricky, since we’re not socialized or really taught how to recognize, name, or definitely not understand our feelings. In order to name your feelings, it helps just to know what options are out there. Here’s a list of some common feelings:
List of Feelings for Men
Happy
Playful, content, interested, proud, accepted, powerful, peaceful, trusting, optimistic, aroused, cheeky, free, joyful, curious, inquisitive, successful, confident, respected, valued, courageous, creative, loving, thankful, sensitive, intimate, hopeful, inspired
Surprised
Startled, confused, amazed, excited, shocked, dismayed, disillusioned, perplexed, astonished, awe, eager, energetic
Bad
Bored, busy, stressed, tired, indifferent, apathetic, pressured, rushed, overwhelmed, out of control, sleepy, unfocused
Fearful
Scared, anxious, insecure, weak, rejected, threatened, helpless, frightened, overwhelmed, worried, inadequate, inferior, worthless, insignificant, excluded, persecuted, nervous, exposed
Angry
Let down, humiliated, bitter, mad, aggressive, frustrated, distant, critical, betrayal, resentful, disrespected, ridiculed, indignant, violated, furious, jealous, provoked, hostile, infuriated, annoyed, withdrawn, numb, skeptical, dismissive
Disgusted
Disapproving, disappointed, awful, repelled, judgmental, embarrassed, appalled, revolted, nauseated, detestable, horrified, hesitant
Sad
Lonely, vulnerable, despair, guilty, depressed, hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, inferior, empty, remorseful, ashamed, powerless, grief, fragile, victimized, abandoned, isolated
*This list of feelings is originally based off Dr. Gloria Wilcox’s famous feelings wheel.
Spend some time with the above list when you’re wondering what’s going on inside of you (or when your partner asks you how you are doing). I’d start with the bold feelings first, then, if you’re feeling adventurous, get a little creative and see if you can find some others in that section that name what you’re feeling as well.
Also, you can feel more than one thing at the same time, that’s possible and allowed.
Once you recognize the feeling that really fits, you’re ready to begin sharing that with your partner.
What to Say When Your Partner Thinks You’re Angry At Them
Here are some scripts that will make those around you feel more comfortable:
If you’re not upset/angry at your partner, but at something else:
“I’m feeling angry, but not at you. Something happened at work that I’m not ready to talk about right now, but I want you to know that I am not upset at you or worried about our relationship. I will bring it up when I’m ready.”
This puts your partner at ease. Your partner is probably sensing that you’re upset, and just naming the fact that you are helps them feel better. It tells them, ‘okay, I am not crazy…that spidey sense I had inside me that he was upset is actually correct.’ Going a step further and letting your partner know you are not upset at them puts them even further at ease. Clarifying that you are upset, but not at your partner, but don’t want to talk about it names exactly what you need (to not talk about it now), but also gives your partner the information they need to relax as well (that you are not mad at them, and that your relationship is safe and secure).
If you are upset at your partner:
“I’m feeling upset at you, but I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’m feeling and needing right now. However, I do want to talk about it in the future, and I want you to know that our relationship is safe and I still love you, I just need some time to figure out what is happening inside of me right now.”
This also puts your partner at ease. Again, it confirms your partners spidey-sense, and lets them know that you do want to talk about it. If people know and trust that eventually something will get addressed they are much more likely to relax in the moment. If you never circle back to this moment though, then next time you ask for space to figure out what’s going on inside you, your partner is going to be much less considerate and trusting of your request, because they’re been burned in the past. You don’t need to talk about why your upset now if you’re not ready, but you do need to commit to talking about it when the time is right for both partners.
Again, this actually makes our partner feel more safe because it brings clarity for them as to what is going on instead of making them try to guess.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re struggling with communication, I can help you connect to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.