Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Healthy Communication
People naturally have a kind of Self-leadership barometer. When we’re not in Self but are acting from a part, things do not go as smoothly as when we are in Self.
This is super important for healthy communication:
You can say all the ‘right’ things, but if you’re trying to deny an angry or disgusted part within, or speaking from an anxious part, it’s not going to go as smoothly as when you’re speaking from Self.
Your partner will not feel safe and secure if you are speaking from a part. A large part of healthy communication is actually not just about what you say, but learning to recognize whether a part or Self is doing the talking. When you recognize that you’re speaking from a part, then you usually need to take a moment and take a break until you can figure out how to get back in that Self-leadership space.
Internal Family Systems and Never Going to Bed Angry
When I got married, all the old guys at the wedding gave me the same marriage advice, “never go to bed angry.” It sounds nice and kind of sentimental, but marriage experts John and Julie Gottman’s research around marriage proved that advice is actually not true.
If you are currently overtaken by an angry part…you need to take a break until you get back in that Self-leadership space before you can make progress in the conversation. If you try to force change to happen but you’re stuck in an angry part, you’ll just keep fighting with each other all night.
Internal Family Systems, Love, and Wet Blankets
Another note on Self-leadership: When I was just out of college I had some young and slightly distorted versions of what healthy communication looked like. A mentor of mine used to tell me, “Travis, love is not a wet blanket’.
It’s true.
Some of us gravitate really quickly towards the C words of Self-leadership like Compassion, Calmness and Connection…but Self-leadership also contains words like Confidence, Courage, and Clarity. There’s a really cool kind of both/and element to it. I’ll say it more directly:
If you are being ‘nice’, but are just letting your partner or other people walk all over you to avoid tension or conflict, you’re not Self-led.
Healthy communication can involve tension and conflict. We can name our own beliefs and feelings and needs calmly, confidently, and courageously, while also (this is the both/and part) being curious and compassionate towards others and what is happening inside of them.
If you are reading this and noticing times when you’ve acted from different parts…that’s a great recognition to have. All of us act from parts at different times, and our parts are there to help us. But again, we ultimately function best when we are letting Self lead the way for our system.
Counselors with experience in the IFS system can help you recognize your parts, and actually help you to recognize your own Self-leadership within, and help Self lead the way more frequently.
You don’t always have to know what to say.
As long as you are in that Self-led space, then the words will take care of themselves.
Whoever you’re speaking with is going to feel that difference.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If your communication is dominated by a part and not Self-led, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.