Fogging: A Powerful Communication Tool for Men in Relationships
Growing up with a younger brother, we would do a fair amount of ‘roughhousing’ as my mom used to call it. We would start out joking around and playfully wrestling each other, but, somehow or another things would always seem to escalate until we went from ‘roughhousing’ to just plain fighting one another.
Couples, unfortunately, often do the same, especially when it comes to communication breakdowns.
As a male therapist in Greensboro and Winston-Salem, North Carolina, specializing in helping men navigate relationship challenges, I've observed that most arguments follow a pattern, with each person making increasingly extreme statements about their partner.
It's during these moments that a technique known as "fogging" can make a significant difference.
In this article, we'll explore what fogging is and how it can help men and their partners interrupt the cycle of escalating conflicts and find common ground.
Noticing Extreme Statements
Again, most arguments escalate in pretty predictable fashion. Each person makes increasingly extreme statements about their partner, until it builds out of control. The ‘roughhousing’ turns to fighting.
You know a statement is extreme when someone is using word like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘all’ or ‘nothing’ in their statements.
Here are some examples of extreme statements:
You never do anything to help out around the house.
You spend all of my hard earned money shopping online.
You’ve never liked my family.
You always want to go out with your friends but don’t care at all about this family.
When most people are on the receiving end of an extreme statement, they immediately react with a similarly extreme statement directed at their partner. What does your partner do? They then react with a more extreme statement.
You quickly go from roughhousing to just plain fighting.
But here’s the thing:
There’s a very simple, very straightforward technique called ‘fogging’ that can interrupt the cycle of escalating extreme statements.
What is Fogging in Communication
Again, when someone makes an extreme statement towards them, most people feel that the only option they have is to deny it completely and respond with an equally extreme statement.
But - there is another option we can take that is actually much more grounded in reality, and will often start to diffuse the whole conversation as things are escalating.
When someone makes an extreme statement that you can not agree with, instead of disagreeing entirely, honestly agree with whatever part of their statement you can actually agree with.
Here’s an example:
Extreme Statement: You never do anything to help out around the house.
An equally extreme reactive response that will keep the conversation escalating out of control: Maybe I would help out around the house if you weren’t always such a b$%ch about everything.
Oof. That response is not going to help anyone. But here’s what fogging would sound like. Again, fogging is simply agreeing with what is true in their statement:
Fogging Statement: You’re right that I don’t help out around the house as much as you want me to.
Notice what just happened. I did not agree with the statement that I never do anything around the house, because, that’s a statement that I do not agree with. But, I can agree with the statement that I don’t help out around the house as much as my partner wants me to.
Here’s what happens when you use a fogging statement:
1) Your partner will feel you making an effort to agree with them and their intensity will reduce.
2) You’ll be standing in your own integrity because you’re agreeing with what you know to be true about yourself.
By the way, another way you could use fogging and agree with the previous statement, if it felt true, that would involve taking a little more responsibility on. It might sound like:
Fogging Statement: You’re right that I don’t help our around the house as much as I could.
Can you hear the difference? You’re offering even more connection by admitting that you have room to change and improve. But, if that doesn’t feel true to you, or that’s a step too far, then the previous statement, you’re right that I don’t help out around the house as much as you want me to, is still an example of fogging.
The 5% Rule
I often ask my clients who have difficulty getting caught up in extreme statements,
‘Is there a way that maybe just 5% of what your partner is telling you is true?’
Not 100%. Not all the time. But, could it be true just 5% of the time? What about 1% of the time? Agree with that 1% if that’s all you can agree with.
Here are some more examples:
Extreme Statement: You spend all of my hard earned money shopping online.
Fogging: You’re right, I do enjoy shopping online.
(Again, I’m not agreeing that I spend all of someone’s money shopping online, or addressing in this moment the fact that they called it their money. But I can honestly agree with the part of that statement that I do enjoy shopping online, so that’s what I will agree with earnestly and whole heartedly.)
Extreme Statement: You’ve never liked my family.
Fogging: You’re right that your family and I don’t see eye to eye on politics.
Or maybe: You’re right that your family and I have had a difficult relationship at times in the past.
Agree with what you can agree with.
Using Fogging to De-Escalate
The last thing that needs to be said about fogging is that it’s a tool. Tools can be used very differently by different people.
You can use a hammer to build a house, or to smash a window. Fogging is the same way.
If you’re earnestly trying to de-escalate conflict as it’s starting to grow out of hand, fogging is a great way to find a moment of agreement with your partner, and let them feel that you’re listening to and agreeing with them, even as you’re telling your own truth.
But, if you’re looking to ‘score points’, further frustrate your partner, or be passive-aggressive, fogging can be used in that way as well.
A lot of it comes down things like your intention in using fogging, your tone of voice and body language when you do use it, and the level of Calmness you’re feeling in your body versus adrenaline or fight response that you’re responding from.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.