Men and Anxiety: Avoid These 7 Pieces of Advice
The internet is full of bad, sensationalized health advice:
Lose 10 pounds with this one simple never before seen trick
Doctors Are Stunned by this Simple Cure for [whatever]
Cure [whatever] Now with this Simple Household Item
The world of men’s mental health and anxiety is no different.
Here are some pieces of advice for men struggling with anxiety that you should either avoid altogether, or perhaps can be helpful in very specific contexts, but are often presented as being universally helpful, when that’s just not the case.
“Have a drink - it’ll calm your nerves”
This is really common advice about dealing with anxiety, and it's popular because on some level it can work in the short term.
But there can be really devastating consequences down the line - including substance abuse issues and alcohol dependency.
If you feel like your anxiety is so great that you need to be self-medicating through alcohol to get some relief, I strongly suggest talking to a medication prescriber like a doctor or psychiatrist.
There are actual medications that are much safer and actually designed with the idea of reducing anxiety in mind. There are issues of dependency around some anxiety medications as well, but if you’re working with a doctor then at least you’ll have someone who you can regularly talk to and check in and be in collaboration with about your medication.
I am not necessarily pro or anti medication, I am for you making informed decisions about what you feel is best for your mental health, and I respect your autonomy and inner wisdom about what is best for you.
However, I do think that having a conversation with a prescriber can be a part of that information gathering process so you can make an informed decision about what is best for you.
2. "Don't Take Medication – It's a Sign of Weakness"
First off, I really don’t think the words ‘strong’ and ‘weak’ are helpful for us much of the time. We are feeling what we are feeling and it is legitimate…oftentimes “strong” and “weak” add a kind of value statement that we “should” or “should not” be feeling a certain way.
But if we’re going to use those words…
Why is it considered ‘weakness’ to get the help you need to feel better and stop suffering, but not considered ‘weakness’ that you would continue to suffer because you’re so concerned about being perceived as weak that you would continue to suffer?
You absolutely don’t have to take anti-anxiety medication if that feels like it does not align with your healthcare goals and your values. You have autonomy to make whatever decisions make the most sense for you.
And - when I do talk to clients about their hesitations around medication, many clients feel better knowing they can express all of those hesitations with a medication provider, and the provider should be able to answer any and all of the questions they have in an honest and respectful manner.
3. "Snap Out of It"
There’s a great SNL skit from a few years ago that my amazing colleague Kari Smith Gaylord shared with me:
If telling men ‘snap out of it’ or ‘stop it’ cured anxiety, it would be great!
But it doesn’t, so, it’s really not helpful.
4. "You Don't Need Therapy; You're Strong Enough to Handle It Alone"
Again, I just don’t find the words ‘strong’ or ‘weak’ that helpful.
In America we have this strong history of the myth of rugged individualism that’s tied to male strength, and yet, we all get help for things all the time. None of us make it through life on our own:
I don’t grow my food alone
I don’t pave the roads I drive on alone
I didn’t build my car alone
I didn’t build my home alone
I didn’t remove my own appendix
All of us help each other all the time, every day - and that’s not a sign of ‘weakness’, it’s just a part of living in human society.
It’s totally normal and okay to get help and see a therapist. And, if you are embarrassed about it all, know that counseling is confidential. Your counselor will not tell anyone you are seeing them, with the exception of a few very particular cases.
5. "Just Face Your Fears Head-On"
Sometimes facing your fears can be helpful. If facing your fears head-on means:
Seeing a counselor, or seeking a consultation for anxiety medication.
Being in conversation with your fears, getting to know them more, and discovering what they’re trying to tell you and where they come from.
Trying something that makes you a little nervous, but not too nervous.
These can all be beneficial ways to face your fears.
But sometimes advice to just face your fears head-on can actually be detrimental: When we try to force our body to do something too intense and too extreme that it’s not ready for yet against its will, it can actually have an adverse effect and leave you in a worse place than when you started.
6. “Just Don’t Think About It”
The classic example of how little control we have over our thoughts is when you ask someone not to think about a pink elephant. As soon as you tell them not to think about pink elephants…it’s all they can think about, right?
One of the things I do with clients in my practice is actually help them to actually think about and spend time with their anxious parts:
When we’re able to come to their anxious parts with a sense of Curiosity instead of a sense of tension and fear, the anxious parts usually relax and open up about what’s really going on inside them.
Another thing therapists can help clients recognize is they don’t have to try to shove down, stop, or overpower any anxious thoughts they don’t want to have. We can learn to just sort of let them be and do their own thing.
It’s the difference between standing in the middle of a river with a strong current that sweeps you up and pulls you downriver with it, to shifting to the side of the bank of the river as you watch the water simply move by. You can’t stop the water, but over time you can change your position, so you don’t get swept downstream with the water in the same way.
7. “Just Pray About It”
Religion, spirituality, and faith communities can be incredible resources for people.
I know someone who’s a psychiatrist in an inpatient psych. hospital, and he has told me before, “when I hear that people are active in a faith community, I know they have a whole community of support, and the odds of seeing them back in the hospital greatly decrease.”
Faith is an incredible mental health resource.
But sometimes men can hear that praying about their anxiety is the only thing they can or should have to do to address their anxiety.
That’s an interesting one to me - because these faith communities will often say God has answered other prayers through external means - so for example:
God answered prayers for health through a surgical team at a hospital
God answered prayers for financial security through a new job that popped up
God answered prayers to feel God’s presence through friends and family checking up on me
But for some reason, faith communities will sometimes feel like mental health is, somehow different. When people hold the same kind of logic - that God can act through outside agents to answer our prayers - then maybe the following could be true too:
God answered my prayers about anxiety through the presence of a skilled therapist.
God answered my prayer through coping strategies that I learned to employ when I needed them.
God answered my prayers about anxiety through a skilled doctor that knew about prescribing pharmaceuticals.
God answered my prayers about anxiety through friends that helped me to exercise regularly and change my diet.
Finally, sometimes faith communities feel like it’s a sign of spiritual weakness to have anxiety at all! The thinking is that if your faith is strong enough, you wouldn’t be struggling with anxiety.
It’s important to point out that anxiety is a universal human experience. All of us should experience anxiety…it’s actually there to help protect us. Through therapy we can get to know our anxiety and discover that our anxiety is actually trying to get our attention and alert us or protect us from a part of ourselves we may not be currently aware of or listening to at the moment.
Next Steps…
It’s hard to figure it all out when you’re looking to the internet for information. I get it.
Throughout this article, we have exposed that bad advice gets spread on the internet about men and anxiety. But - real hope and support is available for men dealing with anxiety. There are tons of people out there who have years of training and experience, dedicating their lives to reducing anxiety and suffering.
Recognizing the importance of evidence-based research-supported approaches, we want to extend a helping hand with a valuable resource – a free video titled "The 5 Coping Skills Every Man Needs to Know."
In this video, you will find scientifically supported ways to decrease anxiety, backed by actual research and professional expertise.
You are not alone in your journey.
You matter. Your well-being matters. And I am here to support you in any way I can..
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.