Beyond Binary Thinking: How 'And' Liberates Men with Anxiety

Anxiety is a complex and often overwhelming experience that can affect individuals regardless of their gender.

In this article, we will explore the unique journey of men with anxiety and how embracing the power of "AND" can be a transformative tool in their path to healing and self-discovery.

What is Binary Thinking?

Binary thinking, also called dualistic thinking, is what happens when we collapse the world into a set of over-simplified, mutually-exclusive opposites. We’re exhibiting binary thinking when we find ourselves beginning to divide up the world and reality in these ways:

either/or
right/wrong
good/bad
black/white
A/B

At some moments in life binary thinking may be helpful, but, oftentimes anxiety pulls us into binary thinking and leaves us stuck, feeling like we have to choose between two extremes.

Here are some examples of binary thinking:

Either we win and they lose, or we lose and they win.
Either we’re completely calm, or we’re completely anxious.
Either we’re right and they’re wrong, or we’re wrong and they’re right.
Either someone in our life is our hero and rescuer and can do no wrong, or they’re a villain who can do no right.

How Anxiety Pulls Us Into Binary Thinking

Humans, like all mammals, are constantly surveying our surroundings for signs of threats. We do this at a level that is below our conscious awareness, and it happens all the time.

Think about that moment when you’re at a busy restaurant and a server drops a tray of food. The instant there’s a crash in the restaurant, everyone becomes silent. It happens so quickly that it’s not as if people are rationally thinking, “I heard a loud noise, let me pause for a moment to assess the situation and see what’s happening”...it is basically instantaneous. The crash happens and everyone in the restaurant gets quiet. After a few seconds, it all happens very quickly, people assess the situation with other parts of their brain, realize that they’re in a restaurant and someone just dropped a tray of food and they’re safe. Soon the whole restaurant begins chatting and talking again as if nothing happened.

When we become anxious and on some level believe that there is something threatening us, we shift into that fight or flight, binary thinking. (Sometimes it can be our own anxiety that is threatening us, which gets pretty meta pretty quickly). It all makes sense evolutionarily…if we’re being chased by a predator, that kind of instinctual binary thinking of ‘only one of us are surviving here - it’s either me or you, and it had better be me’ will serve us well.

If you’re being chased by a lion, binary thinking is probably beneficial, but for most men with anxiety, we can spend a lot of time in that either/or, fight/flight space, even when our lives are not actually under threat.

Here are some more subtle examples of anxious, binary thinking at work:

Either I get what I want, or my partner gets what they want. One of us wins and the other one loses.
My boss is out to get me, and it’s either them or me that will come out on top.
Either I take advantage of someone else, or they will take advantage of me.
Either I am 100% anxious when I go to this networking meeting and worry I can not function, or I am 100% calm.
Either I am alone and no one cares about me, or I am surrounded by friends and everyone loves me.

Introducing ‘AND’ into Your Life

When we do not perceive our environment as threatening, and our bodies are in a state of calm, we naturally experience ourselves as more connected to others, and in less of a binary state. In those moments, instead of perceiving the world as a set of either/or binaries, we begin to open up to an ‘AND’ experience of the world. We can hold multiple ideas, realities, and possibilities up at the same time, all with a sense of trust, curiosity and openness.

Here are some possibilities for what the previous either/or examples might feel like from an AND perspective:

I have legitimate feelings and needs, AND so does my partner. There is a way that we can connect with and understand each other, and find a way forward that honors both of our individual feelings and needs AND helps us grow together as a couple.

I’m a complex person influenced by my past hurts as well as my future hopes and dreams, AND so is my boss. I am going to get clear about communicating with my boss in a way that is generous and assumes the best in them AND also honors my own truth about what I am experiencing and need from a work environment. In a way I can’t fully understand or rationally make sense of, I trust that when I operate from this perspective things will work out best for everyone.

At any moment in time, all kinds of emotions, feelings, and parts of myself exist simultaneously. I may experience anxious parts of myself AND there are also parts of me that are calm and grounded that I can access as well. They can both exist together. All are welcome.

If you are intrigued or interested in living out of these second examples, I would recommend just beginning to pay attention to yourself at any given moment. Begin to notice what kinds of thoughts and feelings you are having - are they in that black and white binary, or are your thoughts and feelings and body opening up to experience the world in full color from that AND perspective.

Oftentimes when men first begin to notice how much time they spend in either/or thinking, they can become hyper-critical of themselves, saying things like “I shouldn’t be in either/or thinking, I should be in the AND perspective.” At least that’s what I do!

In those moments, perhaps opening to the AND perspective means simply noticing yourself gravitating towards binary thinking, AND, instead of reacting strongly or self-critically if possible, beginning to just notice it and allow it to be. In that way you can be aware you’re in binary thinking AND allow it to be at the same time, which creates possibility from the AND perspective.