From Tormenter to Teacher: Men's Guide to Dealing with Workplace Anger

Do you have someone at work who is absolutely driving you crazy?

When you show up at work every day, are you silently praying this person has called out sick for the day so you don’t have to deal with them anymore?

Do they “live rent free in your head”, and you leave with frustrated and angry with them?

Whether it’s a boss, a co-worker, an employee, an intern…whoever it is, if you have a work relationship that is completely driving you crazy, this post is for you.

By the end of this post, - you’re either going to think I’m completely nuts, or- you’ll have a new way of dealing with not only this difficult relationship, but every difficult relationship you will ever face for the rest of your life.

I know that sounds like a big statement, but, I honestly believe it and am standing by it. Here we go:

How Most of Us Think About People Who We Can’t Stand At Work

No matter what the actual work relationship, when people can’t stand someone at work, they usually think about it exactly the same way. If you read each of these work relationships, on the surface they seem completely different:

You’re an hourly worker who has a shift manager that seems out to get you. Everything you do seems to be wrong, and you’re not sure how much longer you can keep working there.
You’re a manager who has an employee that openly defies you and challenges you in front of coworkers, and yet you are unable to fire them, because they’re related to your boss.
Your coworker who sits across the desk from you in the office gets on your nerves all the time. It’s not just one thing either - at this point it’s absolutely everything about them that you can’t stand. The way they talk on the phone, how loud they type on their keyboard, the stupid clothes they wear…I mean everything is irritating about this person.

Again, these seem like 3 completely different situation, but they are all actually very similar. Whether you’re the hourly worker, the manager, or have the annoying coworker, in each of these 3 situations, there is a tormenter - victim dynamic at work.

The Tormenter - Victim Dynamic

If you can’t stand someone at work, it’s because you see that person as your tormenter: The critical boss, the challenging employee, or the coworker…they all play that same role.

Again, the titles and roles and salaries may all be different or reversed or swapped out, but, if they are irritating you at work, you probably see them as your tormenter.

And if they are tormenting you - you probably see yourself as the innocent victim.

Think about it. When you’re talking to your friends or spouse about this tormenter at work, you probably can name all the ways they’re tormenting you. Yet when most of us tell our work stories to others - we’re the innocent victim. We have done nothing wrong, and yet this tormenter keeps tormenting us!

Part of being an innocent victim in a work situation is the belief that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to change the situation.

If you’re reading this now you may be thinking, ‘well I tried X, and I tried Y, and those didn’t work, so there’s nothing that I can do!’. In your mind, you become the innocent victim who has to suffer unjustly at the hands of the tormenter.

Here’s a strange kind of truth: in most of us there’s actually a part of us that likes being the innocent victim. If we’re innocent victims it means we have no responsibility because there’s nothing we can change, and even though on some level we don’t like our work situation, we can at least live confidently knowing we have tried to do what we can do and there’s nothing we can do about it. Furthermore, we feel entitled to our feelings of bitterness, resentment, etc.

If you are having an issue with someone at work, the absolute first thing to check within yourself is - am I seeing this relationship at work as a kind of tormenter - innocent victim relationship?

As long as you hold on to, and buy into that kind of relationship, you’re going to remain stuck. But there’s good news - there’s another kind of relationship, another way of seeing the world, that is possible:

Changing the Relationship

There are two shifts that have to occur within your understanding of the relationship to move you out of frustration and give you back a sense of empowerment. Here’s the first one:

Your Tormenter has to become your Teacher.

What do I mean by that? Most of us work in an environment with other people. And even if we work on our own, we’ll still have to interact with other people at some point in our lives. We are going to be in relationships until the day we die.

Even if this person that you can’t stand at work just disappeared tomorrow - at some point down the road there would be someone else who you would find completely irritating.

The shift comes when we no longer see this person as Tormenting us, and see them as Teaching us. What are they teaching us about? Well, ourselves mostly. Here’s the second shift that has to occur within us:

From Innocent Victim to Growing Creator

When we recognize that that person who we can’t stand isn’t tormenting us but Teaching us, then instead of being innocent victims, we realize that we can both change ourselves (there’s the growing part), and we can take action to change and influence the world around us (the creator part).

There is always something that someone else can teach us about ourselves, and there is always change that we can undergo.I don’t know how your Teacher is trying to help you Grow and Create - but I am confident it is there if we begin to look for it.

Let's take the first examples of the hourly worker with the manager who is hyper-critical of their performance. Here are a few possible lessons the Teacher (the poor manager) could be trying to teach you to help you Grow and Create:

How to give feedback to your employer in a way that is both professional and increases the odds they will be able to receive it.
How to regulate your own emotions so that you will not become overwhelmed or flustered when criticized.
How to come to a decision about whether to talk to Human Resources about the relationship, and how to document events in the relationship professionally prior to going to Human Resources.
How to successfully leave and transition jobs.
This is a big one: how to gain clarity around what has happened in your own past that has made you susceptible to the criticism of others, and heal that part.

Instead of feeling stuck in a tormenter - innocent victim relationship where there is absolutely nothing you can do, now you can shift the relationship altogether. As you realize that the Teacher is helping you to change yourself first and foremost, even in situations where you may not be able to control the external situation, you can still change yourself internally.

Next Steps…

It's essential for men to have effective coping skills in their arsenal when it comes to managing anger at work. These skills can be a game-changer, especially during those moments when you feel overwhelmed or fired up in the workplace.

Sometimes you just need something that can help you calm down before you do something you’re going to regret later.

That's why I created a free video download called "The 5 Coping Skills Every Man Needs to Know." In the video I show you the essential techniques that can help you reduce your anger in those difficult to handle moments.

So, take a deep breath, and adopt a mindset of learning and growth. It really is a life-change not just in a work setting, but in all relationships in your life.

Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.