The Hidden Needs of Men's Anger: A Free Downloadable Resource

The vast majority of men I see with anger issues come to me with the same hope: that I can help them to “control” their anger.

I get it. Emotions, like anger, can be really uncomfortable to sit with. But rather than viewing anger as the problem, here are a few truths that I hold onto about anger:

Anger, like all parts of us, is trying to help us in a way we don’t understand yet.
Anger is signaling to us that something inside us needs to be addressed with curiosity and openness.

Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication, realized that behind our anger is a deep need that has been unmet.

Often when men hear that a need isn’t being met they can immediately name a kind of surface level ‘stimulus’ that they believe explains their anger and is their need. Usually it involves other people needing to do what we want them to!

Men say things like:

They need to quit being a b*tch.
He needs to start paying me more.
She needs to quit being so lazy.
He needs to pick up the kids on time.
She needs to cook dinner like my mom used to make it.

But often it turns out that the things we think we are angry about are actually rather surface level compared to what’s going on deeper inside of us that we are unaware of.

It reminds me of a comic strip I once saw of a couple in a therapist's office. The therapist in the strip asks something like, “do you think that perhaps you’re mad at your husband because he slept with your sister and not because of the way he pronounces the word ‘tomato?”

So often in life we believe we are angry about metaphorical tomatoes. We find ourselves obsessing over the tomatoes, but really all the while there is a deeper human need we have that remains unexpressed and unfullfilled.

Or to use another popular couples counseling phrase, “sometimes the dishes aren’t about the dishes.”

Sometimes the Dishes Aren’t About the Dishes

In order to understand what is going on at a deeper inside of us - to begin to glimpse the unmet need we have that our anger is trying to tell us about, it can be helpful to simply know what some common needs we all have as humans are.

Here is a graphic with over 60 human needs:

Here is a printable, downloadable version.

Again, when you find yourself beginning to get frustrated or angry, take a moment to sit with your anger with curiosity along with the needs list, and see if you can pinpoint a need or two that is not being met in your life right now.

I recommend printing out the downloadable version, or keeping it on your phone/laptop to refer to it whenever you find yourself beginning to become angry.

Let's take the dishes for example. If you’re upset that your partner isn’t washing the dishes, or your partner is upset because you’re not washing the dishes…what’s the deeper need that’s trying to express itself? For each person it could be different…but here are a couple ways the dishes could be about more than just the dishes:

Dishes can represent a larger desire for cooperation in a relationship.
Dishes can represent a desire for support.
Dishes can represent a need to not feel alone.
Dishes can represent a hope to be truly seen with compassion for all you do and who you are.

As you read this, I wonder if you can resonate with any of those universal needs in your own life?

Do you ever feel the need for cooperation in life?
Have you ever felt the need to feel supported?
Have you ever felt the need to not feel isolated and alone?
Have you ever wanted to be fully seen and loved for who you are?

Once we connect with our own deep human needs and the needs of others, there can be a kind of ‘aha’ moment… .

Speaking for myself, I realize that my partner is not just being demanding or needy, or whatever else I was telling myself. I can open myself up to see that they have a deep desire to be seen and loved, just like I do. Then my anger will start to melt, and we can both begin to creatively work towards fulfilling our human needs. Needs that we are both able to connect to, because we both share them as humans.

Now we are able to recognize the dishes aren’t about the dishes - and the solution to the problem of meeting your or your partner's desire to be seen can be much more creative than getting locked into the binary of either I lose and do the dishes, or you lose and do the dishes. Once we see and acknowledge the deep need we have, that need can be met in all kinds of creative ways.

Next Steps…

One final note - recognizing our deep human needs that are at the source of our anger can be difficult at first. Sometimes we find ourselves so upset or overwhelmed with our emotions that we can shut down or lash out before we’re ever able to get to the place to begin to ask what need is not being met inside of us.

In those moments, it can be helpful to have a few ways of being with our feelings in a way that feels more tolerable, until they begin to recede. That’s why I’ve created this free video “The 5 Coping Skills Every Man Needs to Know”.

This video will give you 5 of the coping skills that therapists use most often when dealing with extreme emotions and feelings like anger.