The Power of Observation: A Key Concept for Men in Relationship and Communication Issues

Are you tired of the same old patterns causing turmoil in your relationships?

Do you feel like you have the same fights over and over again, and you’re not even sure why?

When I first found out about the power of observation, it was a key discovery for my own life and relationships. It’s a game-changing skill that can transform the way you communicate as a man.

In this brief post, I’m going to give you the difference between Evaluation and Observation in communication - and show you how this idea can really transform your communication and your relationships.

Evaluation Mode

I have a deep passion for following English Premier League soccer. After I watch a soccer game, there’s always 20 minutes of post-game commentary by the pundits. It’s so interesting to watch, because even though they watched the exact same game - they have very different things go say:

One pundit will say - that player is lazy and doesn’t care about the team and only cares about a pay check.

Another pundit will respond - he’s giving it his all out there, but his teammates are the ones that are letting him down. It’s clear they don’t like him and don’t support him in any way.

So, which is it? I certainly don’t know, and they don’t either. These pundits are making Evaluations of what the player is thinking, feeling, and doing. They’re adding their own spin and judgment and opinion about what actually was happening out there in the game.

Evaluation involves adding our own individual meaning and assessment to the situation based on our own values, beliefs, and conditioning.

Here’s the thing. Evaluations are subjective. Is that soccer player ‘lazy’? Are his teammates ‘unsupportive’? Those are subjective opinions. That’s all fine to make different Evaluations for a sport that I watch for entertainment…but that can get men into big trouble in relationships.

Here are some examples of Evaluations men may say to their partners:

You’re being a total bitch right now.
You don’t respect me or appreciate me.
You like your friends more than you like me.
You don’t care at all about the future of our family.
You never stop once to think about how your actions are going to impact me.
You don’t even love me anymore

Can you recognize that these Evaluations are laced with opinions, the same way a sports pundit laces their commentary with opinions? If you make a negative Evaluation about your partner, you are inviting conflict, because your Evaluation is subjective, and your partner can easily have a different subjective opinion. Furthermore - the Evaluation that you are creating in your head about the situation often gets mistaken for the ‘truth’ of the situation, and influences how you will see reality from now on. Once you’ve made the Evaluation ‘my partner doesn’t respect me’...that is going to become your reality, and future actions that your partner makes will be framed in that light.

So what’s the alternative? Observation.

Observation in Communication

Observations are specific, factual descriptions of what we see, hear, or experience, devoid of any interpretation or judgment. Nothing but the facts.

Here are some examples of Observations you might make about your partner:

You have spent 3 of the last 4 Friday nights with your friends.
When you bought the tickets, you paid $300 more than we agreed to budget for the concert.
We haven’t said ‘I love you’ to each other in weeks.
I spent last weekend helping fix your dad’s car, and you never told me thank you.
I picked the kids up from school twice last week, and that was not on the schedule we agreed upon.

Do you see how these Observations stick just to the objective facts and don’t insert any opinion, feeling, or Evaluation into them? In fact, from the statements alone you can’t even tell whether these events are positive or negative? For example, “you have spent 3 of the last 4 Friday nights with your friends,” could be a positive thing, or it could be a negative thing. We don’t know, because the statement is just Observing the event.

2 Ways Observations Help Men in Relationships

So, why would you want to use Observations instead of Evaluation? Here are two reasons:

When you learn to recognize the difference between an Observation and an Evaluation, you can recognize how often you are inserting your own bias into a situation.

When you recognize this, you’ll get a glimpse at just how biased your own view of reality is as well, and all the ways you are jumping to conclusions without all the facts.

It makes a world of difference to catch yourself in the difference between the Observation ‘my boss asked Jason to take on that project’, and the Evaluation ‘my boss doesn’t think I’m capable of doing my job well and thinks I’m a screw up.’

2. When we are clear about Observation vs. Evaluation, it frees us to ask for concrete things that we want to change.

If I tell my partner "you are a bitch,” that doesn’t really help them or me or the relationship in any way. It doesn’t tell them what is wrong or what action needs to change.

Here’s a great formula to use:

Say what happened, then how you felt, then what you need to happen.

Here’s an example:

A specific Observation of something that occurred - ‘I watched the kids last weekend, and you did not say “thank you,”

combined with how it made you feel - “I felt abandoned,”

along with a specific action you would like to change - “I need you to say thank you next time I watch the kids.”

Bringing it All Together

Mastering the art of observation and evaluation in communication is a transformative journey that can revolutionize the way men navigate their relationships. By recognizing the power of observation, we open ourselves to a deeper understanding of the nuances in communication, allowing us to truly listen and empathize with others.

Observation provides us with a foundation of awareness, enabling us to notice the subtleties, non-verbal cues, and underlying emotions that often go unnoticed. It allows us to be present and fully engaged in our interactions, fostering an environment of trust and connection.

On the other hand, evaluation offers us an opportunity to reflect on our judgments and assessments, recognizing their subjective nature. By expressing evaluations as personal experiences rather than absolute truths, we create space for open dialogue, understanding and collaboration.

By embracing observation and evaluation as powerful tools, men can break free from the confines of anger, anxiety and relationship struggles. We can transcend destructive patterns and actively cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Reducing Intense Emotions to Allow Observation Instead of Evaluation

When you find yourself overwhelmed with intense emotions like anger, it can be impossible to be able to think clearly in the moment and use the skill of Observation. In those moments, you need something that can help you lower your emotional intensity and get back to a place where you can think straight and communicate effectively.

That’s where coping skills come in.

I’ve got a free video here with The 5 Coping Skills That Every Man Needs to Know. In it, I give you 5 of the leading coping skills in the counseling industry. By utilizing these skills, you can find the way to bring the emotional intensity down a notch so that you can use your skills of Observation more effectively and avoid unhealthy communication with your partner.

Remember, this journey is not about perfection but progress. It requires patience, self-reflection, and a commitment to growth. Each interaction presents an opportunity to refine our skills, deepen our understanding, and build bridges of empathy.

As you embrace the difference between observation and evaluation in communication, you unlock the key to healthier relationships, greater emotional intelligence, and a profound sense of connection.

Be gentle with yourself as you embark on this path of self-discovery and conscious communication.

Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.