Trampoline Boxing: A Glimpse into Men's Relationship Challenges
Trampoline Boxing
I won’t pretend to be smart enough to weigh in on the classic nature vs nurture debate. I don’t know whether men act the way they act because of genetics or how they were raised in society, or some combination…
What I can tell you is that growing up I was raised to love competition, even with my closest friends…
When I was in middle school I had a group of friends that all played on the same travel soccer team. I have the distinct memory of one of my friends having a trampoline in their backyard (along with unlimited hot pockets in their deep freezer). Naturally this was the house we all hung out at.
One day another friend brought over his latest purchase - two pairs of bright red boxing gloves.
What ensued was a competition involving the friend group of a brand new sport that involved pairs of friends jumping on the trampoline and punching each other in the face until someone either fell over or fell off the trampoline.
The winner stayed, and loser swapped out with the next person in line.
This kind of strange competition was not at all uncommon amongst our friends. We were always competing in new and strange games we made up.
Competition was basically the only way we knew how to relate to one another.
I honestly did have a lot of fun, but it also brings to mind the classic phrase “when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”
So often the men that I see in my counseling practice are very comfortable competing with others, but when it comes to intimate relationships, they find themselves lost, out of their depth, and without the necessary skills to help their relationships thrive.
A Referee in a Cardigan
As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem who works with couples, I may wear a cardigan and a collared shirt in the counseling office, but when couples find themselves seeking counseling it becomes apparent that what they’re expecting is a referee in pinstripes. They want me to wear a whistle around my neck, ready to blow it at a moments notice whenever a ‘relationship foul’ has occurred by their partner
The honest truth, however, as long as you imagine yourself in competition with your partner, your relationship is going to remain stuck.
Partnerships need to shift from competition to collaboration in order to thrive.
This concept may sound simple, or even obvious, but actually living it out with your partner can take months or even years for a couple to work out.
From Competition to Collaboration
When couples are stuck in the mindset of competition, they can not move forward. Here are some signs that may be stuck in a competition mindset with your partner:
You blame your partner for difficulty in the relationship.
You secretly (or not so secretly) keep score about who has done what to whom.
You frequently use words like “should”, “shouldn’t”, “never”, and “always” about your partner.
You believe things would be a lot easier if your partner would just do what you tell them to do.
Again - when you’re stuck in the mindset that relationships are about competition, you can’t move forward. Oftentimes members of a couple will place all the blame on their partner, believing they are the problem in the relationship. They may break up, separate, get divorced and find themselves in a new relationship, but unfortunately their competition mindset hasn’t changed. Within a few months they’ll find that this new partner is the problem, leave them, and the cycle starts all over again.
Partnerships built on collaboration, however, look and feel very different. Here are some elements that relationships built on collaboration frequently share:
The ability to express their own feelings and needs openly and honestly.
The ability to hear their partners feelings and needs without becoming defensive.
The desire to help each member of the couple reach their full potential, whatever that may look like.
The ability to honestly apologize and to understand and explain what was happening inside of them when a fight or disagreement occurs.
A sense of possibility, openness, and optimism about what the future can hold.
The ability to hear and hold your partner's pain.
Conclusion
Men often learn to see life through the lens of rivalry. Yet, as we grow and navigate increasingly complex adult relationships, we realize that constantly competing with our partners isn't the path to lasting happiness.
You can ‘win’ an argument, and still lose a marriage.
What's truly needed is a shift from competition to collaboration. Blame, scorekeeping, rigid expectations…when we cling to these patterns, we find ourselves trapped in a cycle of blaming partners, moving from one relationship to the next, without ever truly changing our approach.
Let's remember that life's most meaningful victories are not found in the arena of competition but in the boundless possibilities of collaboration. It might take time to shift gears, but the journey from rivalry to partnership is well worth the effort—a journey toward deeper connections, shared dreams, and lasting love.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.