How Comparisons Drive Men to Anger…And What To Do About It

From childhood to adulthood, men are conditioned to size themselves up against their peers. Little do they realize the destructive power that lies within these comparisons.

In a world driven by social media, constant connectivity, and an insatiable desire for success, the act of making comparisons has become an inherent part of our daily lives.

In this article, we delve into the often overlooked connection between making comparisons and the simmering anger that plagues many men. Then, we’ll talk about what you can actually do about it.

By understanding the role that comparisons play in fueling male anger, we can begin to address the issue at its core and explore strategies for breaking free from the destructive cycle.

The Prevalence of Comparison in Society

From scrolling through carefully curated Instagram feeds to witnessing the highlight reels of others' lives on platforms like Facebook and TikTok, we are bombarded with an endless stream of comparison triggers. We see friends, acquaintances, and even strangers seemingly living their best lives, achieving milestones, and showcasing their accomplishments.

For a lot of men, this constant exposure to others' successes and seemingly perfect lifestyles fuels the temptation to compare ourselves, leading to feelings of inadequacy, envy, and ultimately, anger.

Moreover, society itself fosters a culture of comparisons. Advertising and media perpetuate idealized standards of beauty, power, success, and happiness, creating an unattainable bar against which individuals measure themselves.

The pressure to conform to these societal ideals intensifies the need to compare and leaves men particularly susceptible to feelings of anger when they perceive themselves as falling short.

The rise of social media influencers, online rankings, and performance metrics further amplifies the culture of comparisons. Likes, followers, and other quantifiable indicators of popularity or success become the yardsticks by which individuals gauge their worth. The constant exposure to these metrics and the perceived validation or rejection they provide can trigger intense emotional responses, including anger, when individuals feel that their own worth is diminished in comparison to others.

Reducing Comparison and Increasing Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion

As prevalent as the problem of comparison is for men - there are steps you can take to decrease its prevalence, and find a sense of peace with yourself and others.

Here are 4 Steps you can take to Decrease Comparisons and Anger:

Step 1 - Noticing When You Critically Compare Yourself to Someone Else

Here’s the deal - even though making comparisons with others is probably easier than it’s ever been, it does not lead to happiness, and only leads to feelings of isolation, loneliness, alienation, frustration and anger.

So, what do we do?

The first step is to start to become conscious and aware of just how often throughout your day you are making critical comparisons between yourself and others.

For lots of men, those critical comparisons are so frequent that they don’t even recognize they are doing it!

Here are 10 ways you may be comparing yourself to someone else:

Comparing your body to someone else's (size, shape, height, width, physique, skin color, coordination, muscle mass, or penis size [that’s right I went there!])
Comparing your partner to someone else’s partner
Comparing your income, career, salary, or job title to someone else
Comparing your living situation to someone else
Comparing your education level to someone else
Comparing your stuff to someone else (car, clothes, shoes, furniture, technology, cell phone, computer, etc.)
Comparing your family or extended family to someone else
Comparing your mental health to someone else
Comparing your personality to someone else
Comparing your childhood to someone else

Once you start looking for it, you may notice that you are making a lot of comparisons between yourself and others throughout your day.

Step 2 - Noticing Observations vs. Evaluations

There’s an important distinction that’s worth mentioning between an observation and an evaluation when we are making a comparison.

You can make a simple comparison that involves an observation that won’t leave you feeling frustrated or angry. If you simply notice that your friend makes more money than you do, and it’s a simple observation, then you're not going to be upset.

It’s when you begin to add a critical evaluation to the comparison that you begin to notice frustration building inside of you.

If you follow the observation that your friend makes more money than you do with the evaluation ‘I’m such a screw up, I’ll never make that much money’...then you’re going to feel a whole range of negative emotions.

So that’s Step 2- noticing and naming the evaluation that’s happening that is connected to critical comparison and negative emotions.

Step 3 - Approaching the Part Making the Evaluation with Curiosity and Compassion

Once you notice this evaluation, you want to start to get curious about the part of yourself that is making the critical comparison.

Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and see if you can find this part of yourself that is making these comparisons.

Oftentimes, we’ll have another critical or frustrated part that starts feeling critical or frustrated towards the part that’s making critical comparisons! Acknowledge those parts, and see if you can breathe long enough to find a sense of Curiosity, Compassion, and Connection to the original part that is making those critical evaluations.

You’ll know when you’ve found a sense of Curiosity and Connection when you no longer have any agenda towards that critical part other than to get to know it and to be with it.

Step 4 - Learn What the Critical Comparison Part Has to Share

Here are 5 great questions you can ask the part of you that is critically comparing yourself to others:

What do you need from me?
What else do you want me to know?
Do you like your job of critically comparing others?
If you didn’t have to do this job, what would you rather do?
What are you worried would happen if you weren't doing your job of critically comparing?

If you are able to stay open and curious, you’ll be able to understand why the part is doing what it’s doing, which will help the part be able to trust you and to relax. It will also help you gain insights into how this part is actually trying to help you, maybe in ways that you’ve never considered or been aware of.

That understanding and knowledge will help you shift from making critical evaluations, to simple neutral observations.

How Therapists Can Help

The reality is, though, it can actually be pretty difficult to be able to stay open and curious with our parts that critically compare ourselves to others. Therapists can play a crucial role in supporting clients to do this.

Therapists can act as a kind of outside listener and guide that can help you to navigate your internal landscape by facilitating a deep understanding of your critical comparison parts and the underlying dynamics at play. Therapists create a non-judgmental and empathetic environment where you can explore the origins, roles, and interactions of your parts.

Therapists also assist you in establishing a sense of trust and collaboration among your parts. Internal exploration can bring up intense emotions, memories, and conflicts that require support and containment. The presence of a trained therapist provides a holding space for clients to process and integrate these experiences safely. Additionally, therapists bring expertise in navigating complex therapeutic techniques and addressing potential roadblocks that clients may encounter during your journey.

5 Coping Skills / Next Steps

The pervasive culture of comparison has a profound impact on men, often fueling anger and dissatisfaction in their lives. The connection between comparisons and male anger cannot be understated.

However, awareness is the first step towards change. When we become conscious of the ways in which we compare ourselves to others, it can be an overwhelming experience. The constant barrage of external standards and the internal pressure to measure up can leave us feeling lost and disconnected.

But there is hope.

I invite you to take a proactive approach to your well-being by exploring the coping skills that can ground you in those challenging moments. To assist you on this journey, I have created a free video resource called 'The 5 Coping Skills Every Man Needs to Know.' This video delves into practical strategies that can help you navigate the pitfalls of comparison, manage anger, and foster a healthier mindset.

By incorporating these coping skills into your life, you can build resilience, develop self-compassion, and find a sense of inner stability amidst the storm of comparisons.

Remember, you are not alone in this struggle, and there is support available to help you navigate the complexities of male anger and the influence of comparisons. Together, we can break free from the cycle of anger and find a path towards personal growth, contentment, and authentic self-expression.

Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.