Noticing the Blame Game: Men's Guide to Healthy Communication
There’s a moment in my first couples counseling sessions where I ask the couple to ‘discuss’ a controversial topic they’ve been dealing with in front of me for 10 minutes.
Things usually start out very civil...we can usually fake healthy communication for a few minutes if we try…
But around minute 4 or 5, something shifts, and things take a marked turn and become much more confrontational. Sometimes, by the end of the 10 minutes, the couple is straight up pissed off at each other. At that point, I usually say something like ‘thank you so much, that was very informative for me.’ (And it’s true.)
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way of communicating that didn’t lead to escalation, tension, and conflict, but instead led to deeper understanding, compassion, and connection?
Before you solve the problem though - you have to know what the actual problem is. As a male counselor in Greensboro and Winston-Salem that works with men and couples, I have seen my share of conflict and a lack of healthy communication. And I can tell you what the problem all comes down to.
That’s what this blog post is all about.
Nonviolent Communication
Marshall Rosenberg’s iconic book Nonviolent Communication makes the claim that most people only have two ways of relating to one another.
They may use different words. They may complain about different topics. But when it all comes down to it, there are just two simple ways that most people communicate.
One way is to say ‘It’s Your fault.’
The other is to say ‘It’s My fault.’
That’s it. People get caught playing The Blame Game, because that’s the only way they know how to communicate with each other. It’s the only option they know. There are so many great options to healthy communication, but if we don’t know what they are, we find ourselves very limited.
It’s like if you have a brand new iphone but you only used it for the calculator app.
It’s just all most people know about, and so they miss out on so much in their lives.
There are healthier options out there (which we’ll get to in future posts). This post is just about naming the reality of The Blame Game.
Conflict in Relationships - This is NOT Healthy Communication
For most of the men I see in my counseling practice, their relationships play out in the same exact predictable way. Again, you can change the person, you can change topic, but the same underlying pattern plays out again and again. It goes like this:
Someone (often the man in the straight couples in my counseling practice, but not always) is upset about something in the relationship. He tries to ignore it and suppress his emotions. He tells himself everything is okay, or everything should be okay. Yet deep inside, things are not okay. He’s in denial.
This situation continues with the man getting more and more frustrated, but pretending that he’s not really upset, or shouldn’t be upset.
Eventually - the guy explodes in a fit of anger or rage. It all comes out. ‘It’s YOUR fault!'‘ he yells.
A few minutes, hours, or days after the explosion, a sense of regret and shame sets in. The guy shifts internally from blaming his partner to blaming himself. ‘It’s MY fault’, he thinks to himself. Why couldn’t I just ignore it? Why did I need to explode? ‘ He vows not to get angry again, and there is a period of calm in the relationship. Yet the guy continues to deny his feelings and needs and continues to suppress his emotions.
The cycle starts all over again.
Does this sound familiar in some way to you?
The Cycle of Abuse - This is NOT Healthy Communication
It would be funny how predictable this is, except for the amount of pain that it continues to cause both members of the relationship. I’ll also note that this cycle is basically the exact cycle that occurs in instances of domestic violence and abuse. The domestic violence cycle, well documented since the 1970’s, looks like this:
Tension building
Incident of violence (It’s Your fault)
Reconciliation (It’s My fault)
Calm
I am not saying, if you are reading this, that you are in an abusive relationship. (If you are, help is available 24/7 at the Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233). What I am pointing out, though, is that this Blame Game, where the only thing we know how to do is blame someone else, or blame ourselves, is not helping us in our relationships AT ALL.
Healthy Communication - A New Way Forward
There IS another way of communicating with others. A way of communicating that’s not built around denying or suppressing your actual feelings, erupting in blame, and then feeling deep shame afterwards.
It IS possible to change.
But, it’s going to take time, effort, increased self-awareness, and growth.
Action Step:
Change begins with awareness. For now, just begin to notice how much of our communication is built on finding fault in others or in ourselves. Notice the conversations:
in the teachers’ lounge,
the church parking lot,
online chat groups,
social media,
the locker room at the gym,
the office,
around the dinner table.
Most of all, begin to notice the words coming out of your own mouth. So much communication is about finding fault in others and in ourselves. But that doesn’t get us to where we want to go.
So, for now: just…notice. Today is where you are at today, and that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be where you are in the future. Healthier communication, and a better life awaits.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.