Healthy Communication for Men: Using Joining to Deepen Relationships
Have you ever had any of the following thoughts?
What the f$^k is wrong with me?
Surely nobody else does this/struggles with this but me…
Why am I soooo weird/messed up/broken?
Nobody could possibly understand what I’m going through right now…
As a male therapist that specializes in working with men in Greensboro and Winston-Salem North Carolina, I can tell you that those thoughts are not the exception…they’re the norm.
Most of us have moments where we feel like no one could possibly understand or get or connect with what we’re going through.
In this blog post, I’m going to share with you the simple communication strategy of ‘Joining.’ It can be used to better connect you with your partner or other relationships in your life and leave them feeling like you understand and ‘get’ them on a deeper level.
What Joining in Communication Is
Have you ever felt like you ‘overshared’ before?
Ever had that moment where you open up to someone, and, somehow it just wasn’t received in a way that felt good inside?
Maybe it left you feeling somehow more exposed and vulnerable than you had before you shared, and you kind of regret sharing anything at all?
It’s a bad feeling.
My own theory is that we can often keep someone else from having those thoughts that they’ve overshared and can prevent them from feeling even more alone after sharing by offering a simple joining statement.
When your partner, or someone else in your life, takes a risk to become vulnerable and shares something they’re struggling with or going through, they are trusting you to hold that moment with the tenderness that it deserves.
’Joining’ in communication is offering a simple short statement that lets the person you’re speaking with know that they are not completely alone in their pain. It shows them you, as another human, are connected to them.
It helps them feel less alone than they did before.
Suppose an employer or co-worker shares the following:
You know, I’ve actually been struggling with panic attacks lately. I’m not really sure why I’m sharing this, but yeah, it’s been really tough. I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart is pounding and my pulse is racing. I feel like I can’t breathe and I don’t even know why it’s happening. I’m honestly really worried about it happening now while I’m at work…
What would you do next?…
3 Ways to Use Joining Statements
Here are 3 options for how you could respond using a joining statement:
If you’ve had a panic attack before:
You could say: I’m so sorry to hear about that. I’ve had a panic attack before and I know how scary that can be.
Short and simple. In those two brief sentences you communicate that you care about them, they are not alone or screwed up because you’ve also felt, on some level, what they’re feeling. They are likely to feel a deeper connection with you than before because now you both know something vulnerable and real about each other.
Also, notice the simple use of the word ‘scary’ here. Just that use of the word really shows that you do understand their experience, and you can connect with them. You get it, because, panic attacks are scary.
A Quick Note on Things Sucking:
Honestly, lots of men would probably say ‘I’ve had a panic attack before, and it sucks.’ There’s nothing wrong with that…you’ve communicated that you also have had that experience so they will not feel as alone. And, yes, panic attacks do indeed suck.
But for me, using the word ‘scary’ communicates a deeper level of joining with them in that simple one-word difference. You’re showing you get what they’re going through on a deeper level.
Panic attacks suck. They suck because they are scary. And using that word ‘scary’ shows them you get that.
2. If you’ve never had a panic attack before, but can find an appropriate similarity in your own experience:
You could say: I’m so sorry to hear that. I suffered with anxiety for years, and I know it’s not the same as a panic attack, but I know it was really scary.
Again, short and simple. When you haven’t shared their exact experience of a panic attack, you can look for an experience that is similar and use that as a bridge. It is important to name here that you recognize that anxiety is not the same thing as a panic attack.
Again - naming that the shared similarity is that the experience is scary helps to make that bridge between your experience and theirs.
And again, appropriateness is key. If someone’s child died and you tried to join in sharing about the grief of losing your pet goldfish when you were 15…they are not going to feel connected with.
3. If you’ve never had a panic attack before, and can’t find a similarity in your own experience:
You could say: I’m so sorry to hear that. That sounds really scary, and it really means a lot you would share that with me.
Here, you are still picking up on the key emotion that the other person was experiencing (fear), and name it (that sounds really scary). Because you couldn’t think of a similar or appropriate experience to mention, you can simply let them know that it meant a lot that they shared that with you.
By mentioning how much it means that they would share with you, it reduces the risk that they will feel ashamed or like they over-shared. You are letting them know you welcome and am honored by their choosing to share something so vulnerable and sensitive with you.
RECAP: How To Operationalize it
If you’ve experienced what they’ve experienced: say you’re sorry to hear that and name that you have experienced it and name the emotion that they’re feeling.
If you have experienced something similar and appropriate: say you’re sorry to hear that, name what you have experienced, acknowledge that it’s not the same, and name the emotion.
If you have no appropriate similar experience: say you’re sorry, name the emotion, briefly express appreciation that they would share that with you.
Joining With Kids
Joining is such a great thing to do with children.
Being a human in the world means experiencing big emotions - and even more so for kids who don’t yet have the ability to regulate themselves the way adults often do.
Often parents think if they tell their children that they experience big emotions as adults that they will inadvertently scare or scar their children. However…
If your children can see that you experience emotions, and that you are comfortable with that, then they will experience a deeper sense of safety and security inside themselves when they experience big emotions.
(And if we’re not okay with our own big emotions…that’s okay too, it’s just a sign we’ve got some more work and growing to do. And that’s great, because if we didn’t have any more growing to do things would probably be pretty boring, to be honest).
How to use Joining with Kids
My daughter always gets anxious before the start of a new school year. Who will be in her class? Who will be her teacher? Where is the class located in the building? Etc.
Usually I try joining with her / normalizing her situation by just sharing a short story about a time when I have felt nervous or anxious before. It’s something as simple as:
Do you remember the time daddy went to school to become a counselor when we moved to town? Well, I remember on the first day I was actually a little scared! Did you know daddy gets nervous sometimes? I didn’t know anyone! My tummy hurt a little, and I remember my heart feeling like it was beating fast. And then, after I said ‘hi’ to a few people and realized they were really nice, I noticed my tummy felt better and I felt like my heart was beating normal again.
Now, knowing my daughter, she probably just rolled her eyes at me when I shared the story. I rarely get that picture-perfect made-for-tv connection between father and daughter…but…I do trust that whether she acknowledged it at the time or not, letting her know that I feel nervous or anxious sometimes, and that I’m okay with feeling that way, helps her to know that it’s okay for her to feel that way sometimes too.
(Also - I’ll just throw this out there while we’re talking about kids - the emotions that we are not okay with our kids displaying are usually the emotions we’re not okay with ourselves displaying either. If your child’s anger or frustration upsets you, for example, I wonder how you feel about your own anger.
I truly believe the best gift we can give to our children is to do our own ‘work’ and get into therapy ourselves.)
Four Things Joining is Not
Let me clarify real quick four things that joining is not:
Joining is Not about One-Upping Someone.
We all have that friend that can top every story that you tell with an even bigger and more extreme story. Somehow every story becomes some kind of competition. Joining is not about trying to one-up someone and tell a bigger, better tale.
2. Joining is Not about Making it All About You
The point of joining is to help the other person feel connected and less alone in their struggles. There’s a subtle but importance difference between sharing just enough for the person to feel less alone, and sharing too much to where the balance shifts and they believe they need to keep quiet and begin to focus all their attention on you and how you’re doing emotionally.
3. Joining is Not About Having a Teachable Moment
We all love stories of change, redemption, healing, transformation. Seriously, we eat that stuff up as humans.
But when we share a ‘teachable moment’ or inspiring story about how our life was like theirs, but now we’re totally healed and amazing or whatever…we can jump too far from where a person is at in this moment, leaving them feeling alone again.
Maybe one day the person will be ‘healed’ or ‘cured’ or ‘all-better’ or ‘transformed’...maybe they’ll make that exact journey that you have made…but often people just need to know that you are with them right now and right now they just want to feel like they’re not alone.
Right now, feeling understood and less alone is healing.
4. Joining is Not About Fixing/Solving
Again, the goal of joining isn’t to be anywhere but right here, with the person you’re talking to, letting them know they’re not alone in what they’re going through.
Wishing you the best on your mental health journey.
Hi, I’m Travis.
My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…
You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.
If you’re dominated by anger, anxiety, shame, or self-criticism, I can help you re-connect with who you really are: confident, calm, courageous, compassionate, and connected to yourself and others.
Travis Jeffords - LCMHCA | MDiv. | Male Counselor
In-person counselor: Greensboro & Winston-Salem
Virtual counselor: North Carolina
Licensed Counselor
Please note: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The content presented here is based on my professional knowledge, personal experiences and research, but it should not be considered as a replacement for individualized mental health advice.
Every individual is unique, and the content provided may not be applicable to everyone's specific circumstances. It is important to consult with a licensed mental health professional regarding your specific concerns and to receive personalized guidance tailored to your needs.