Domestic Labor and Couple’s Frustration: Reviewing The Fair Play Deck

There’s an incredibly common frustration among the straight couples that I work with as a counselor: domestic labor.

Who does what chores, keeps up with everything for the kids…but also who should carry the mental load of knowing what needs to be done at any given time can be difficult to figure out for every couple. And to be completely transparent - it’s something that my wife and I have struggled with on and off for 15 years of marriage.

Domestic labor is a struggle for both members of the couple, and as a man and counselor who specializes in working with men, I know how domestic labor can be a source of frustration for men as well. I hear some version of this conversation on a regular basis from my male clients:

I want to help, but I don’t know what to do. I just don’t notice or see everything that she does. It’s like she’s got a superpower for noticing when things are dirty that I just don't have. But when I ask her what to do, she gets frustrated with the fact that she always has to tell me what to do. She says she shouldn’t have to carry that extra mental load of acting like the supervisor or manager in the house. I get it, I totally do, but like, I don’t know what to do…I feel so stuck and we’re both super frustrated with the situation and each other.

A counselor friend of mine, the incredible Bethany Berens, recently let me know about a new couples resource called The Fair Play Deck meant to help couples navigate domestic labor with greater transparency and ease.

In this article, I’ll dive into the product, and let you know about how my wife and I have experienced working with the deck, and its effects on our own struggles with navigating domestic labor.

Side note: The Fair Play Deck in no way compensated me or sponsored me for this article. But - if they happen to see this and want to send me a few extra decks to share with my clients that would be much appreciated.

The Fair Play Deck - An Overview

Developed by Eve Rodsky, a Harvard-trained attorney and author, the deck serves as a practical tool to discuss and work through divisions of household responsibilities and reduce frustration between couples. Comprising a collection of 100 cards representing various household duties ranging from daily chores to more significant responsibilities, the deck facilitates discussions about labor and promotes collaboration. By gaining a shared understanding of the division of labor, couples can then utilize the deck of cards as a visual aid to assign specific tasks and responsibilities.

The Fair Play Deck - Review

My wife and I sat down and opened up The Fair Play Deck for about an hour over lunch this afternoon. The first thing we noticed is that 100 cards of responsibility felt like a lot to try to initially tackle at once. My immediate reaction was basically “oh s$^%, we are actually doing a lot!”. The cards are conveniently divided into different categories, so we decided to just focus on the household chores in our first conversation.

We began going through the cards and simply saying who currently did what. If we had a card that we both immediately knew who was responsible for that chore, the partner who did the chore would place the card in front of them on the table. Any card where we felt like we weren’t certain who did it, or either of us felt like we wanted to come back and discuss it further, we placed it in the middle of the table.

There were three immediate revelations that we had in doing this, that left us feeling really positively about our relationship:

There are actually a lot of household chores that we already knew who did them in a way that worked well for both of us.
I became aware, and incredibly appreciative, of just how much my wife was doing every week.
My wife was pleasantly surprised at just how much I was doing every week as well.

Seeing a physical stack of cards in front of your partner representing all the domestic labor they’re doing is a gratitude inspiring site. I will admit, my stack was not as high as my wifes, and, she responded in gratitude to the things I was doing, and stated she actually thought I did less than I actually did.

So right off the bat, The Fair Play Deck was a huge help just to give us a sense of gratitude, and also helped us realize that we did already have some sense of what we were doing, as shown by the large number of cards that were simple to divide up. It felt good to say “okay, we’ve got about 3-5 cards that we really struggle with together, but, there are lots of areas that we’ve got pretty well worked out already”.

The Cards in the Middle

Then came the harder part, talking about the cards in the middle.

Some of the items in The Fair Play Deck can seem pretty large to give responsibility to a single person. For example, when it came to the ‘Cleaning’ card…there are probably 20 different subdivisions of cleaning within a house that I could think of: dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc.

If a couple were to get locked into the idea that each person had to get a card and be entirely responsible for everything the card entails on their own, they may end up frustrating themselves.

Instead, we saw the purpose of the cards as conversation starters. In that way - we allowed the cards to guide us and work for us - rather than restricting us. For example, when we talked about Laundry, we realized that it worked best for us if my wife started the laundry, I folded it, and she put it away. In this way, we were talking together as a couple about who would handle what aspects of household chores. It did not feel like my wife managing or supervising the household, but like two people coming together to figure it out as partners, which we were both incredibly relieved to experience.

I will say that because my wife carried more of the domestic load coming into the conversation, the first thing that happened was us figuring out how I could take on more responsibility in a way that felt good to both of us.

Me, and most of the men I work with, have parts of them that want domestic labor to be more equal. But sometimes other parts come out in the process as well that need space to be heard.

I have to admit that towards the end of the conversation, I realized I was starting to have reactions to the amount of new household chores I was taking on. A part of me was saying “I actually don’t know how I will get this all done! I’m so busy with work stuff as it is!”. Meanwhile, another part quickly chimed in, “yeah, and guess what, your wife had been living with this feeling for 15 years!”.

I’m sharing this in case there are any men who read this and find themselves having a similar reaction, but towards the end of the conversation I shared, “I’m appreciating all of this conversation, but I also realize that the change in labor is all flowing in one direction, with me taking on labor that you previously did. That totally makes sense to me because I know you were doing more than I was doing, and we can both see that really clearly now. However, I think it would actually mean a lot to me if we could find just one small thing I’ve been doing that I don’t like, and if you could take that responsibility from me too. Just so it feels like chores are flowing in two directions”.

The end result was that my wife agreed to trim the bushes (something that takes only 20 minutes, two times a year). Timewise it will make almost no difference to her, but that small act of her taking some small responsibility of mine was what I needed to feel like we were both partnering together.

Continuing the Conversation

The Fair Play Deck, like any aspect of a relationship, will not work as a one and done kind of thing.

After going through the household chores, my wife and I made a plan to regularly sit down at lunch on Fridays and review and adjust from the previous week, as well as begin to tackle the other cards we had not been able to this Friday.

It feels incredibly freeing to both of us to know that this was a conversation we were both going to return to at a later date. If I don’t like folding clothes this week, we can talk about it. If something was not able to get done, we can discuss that too. It also relieved pressure that either of us felt to reach true equality in domestic responsibility right away. My wife felt like she could leave for the week happy at the new responsibilities I was taking on, glad to see progress and a long overdue conversation happening, rather than feeling like this was the only conversation we were going to have and feeling frustrated we didn’t get 100% of the way to her ideal set up. In the end we could both say - ‘it’s just a week. Let’s try it and we can adjust and find a way that works better for both of us next Friday’.

Next Steps…

I’ll just add as a final note that both my wife and I had a number of moments when we began to have stronger feelings emerge. If you as an individual find those moments upsetting, struggle to understand what’s happening in those moments inside yourself, have difficulty regulating yourself, or have difficulty knowing how to express what’s happening within you in a healthy way that helps you and your partner work towards your shared goals, I think seeing a therapist would absolutely be beneficial.

In conclusion, I’m a big fan of The Fair Play Deck and its ability to turn domestic labor discussions into opportunities for growth, understanding, partnership and real collaboration. It paves the way for more harmonious relationships by fostering a sense of fairness, shared responsibility, and effective communication.

Hi, I’m Travis.

My clients describe me as calm, compassionate, and curious…

You have these qualities inside you at your core too. You just need a little help uncovering them.

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