5 Socially Acceptable ‘Addictions’
My own definition of an addiction is probably something like, habits, practices, and patterns we engage in to numb, avoid, or distract ourselves from ourselves.
It’s my opinion that we all engage in these numbing, avoidant, and distracting practices in some way.
I want to acknowledge real quick that I can see how it might come across as flippant or minimizing to say a numbing/distraction practice like scrolling through TikTok everyday is the same thing as a severe opiate use-disorder. It’s not. The impact that these two things have on a person’s life is definitely of very different magnitude, and the resources and support that the latter require is certainly much higher. And so, yes, in some ways these are very different things, and the level of pain that they cause families, individuals and communities is very different.
But, it’s my hope that when we are able to recognize and be honest about the ways in which we all habitually and continually numb/avoid/distract, it can hopefully be a window to access a sense of connection and compassion for what those with severe substance-abuse issues face. We can begin to see these practices not as moral failings, but as ways that we’ve found to deal with pain and trauma, which is what leads to the need for these numbing and avoidance strategies in the first place.
Normalizing Numbing/Avoidance/Distraction
Life is hard, and there is often a lot to try and handle and make sense of.
My sense is that our bodies intuitively know when we have reached our capacity to process what it has or is currently experiencing. We all intuitively find ways of numbing, avoiding, and distracting when it becomes too intense to fully experience our emotions and parts.
So on some level we all do it.
Remember at the beginning of the pandemic when suddenly it seemed like everyone in the country was really interested in making their own sourdough bread?! It was funny, weird, and for a few people even tasty…but it was also a nationally agreed upon distraction in some ways, right? Life feels uncontrollable, we’re all stuck at home, and so doing something that takes your mind off the external chaos of life that is all about predictability and order - baking - makes sense to me.
Engaging in behaviors to numb, distract, and avoid ourselves is natural, and even adaptive on some level…but when we mistakenly see our avoidance strategies as virtuous, and are not able to see them for what they are - a way to momentarily get a break when our internal world feels too intense to process, we are doing ourselves a disservice.
If we are never able to recognize that our habits and practices are serving the purpose of numbing, avoidance, and distraction - then we remain forever caught up in them.
If we are able recognize our particular patterns for what they truly are - a way of anesthetizing the internal waves within us…then we can begin to get curious about the waves, what they have to tell us, and where they come from.
What follows are five socially acceptable addictions: behaviors that many of us engage in in order to get a sense of distance from our own internal issues. Again, if any of these apply to you, it does not mean you’re a bad person or you’re wrong to do them…it may simply mean that you have intuitively figured out a way to get through the day as best you can at the moment.
There are no bad parts within us, so these parts that are drawn towards numbness and distraction aren’t bad, they’re trying to help us.
If you can recognize these practices for what they are though - imperfect coping skills - then you now have the freedom to actually choose to continue to utilize them knowing full well the function that they are serving. And, you also have the ability to get curious about what is going on inside of you that makes you need these numbing, distracting, and avoidant strategies…and begin to address those issues.
5 Socially Acceptable Addictions
Overworking
Our society turns on the backs of an entire labor force that works long, hard hours at low-paying jobs making only enough to just barely pay the monthly rent, tenuously living on the brink of homelessness and destitution. I want to name that reality first, and name that that’s not the kind of overworking I’m talking about. I’m talking about the way in which overworking is, for many, a socially acceptable form of avoidance.
Overworking can provide an effective (and seemingly noble) way to avoid the problems we are having in our relationships at home.
Overworking can be a very effective anxiety-reducing mechanism: if we are always moving and working and seeking out a promotion or salary increase, we never have to sit long enough to face the terror of our own true powerlessness in the face of forces much greater than us.
Overworking can help us avoid our nagging feelings of loneliness, give us the illusion of community, temporarily stifle an internal sense of purposelessness, and can temporarily quiet the monkey on our back that says we’re not good enough or we haven’t accomplished enough.
Social Media / Netflix
US adults last year ages 30-49 spent an average of 4.5 hours on social media per day. Social media has the potential to connect us to others all across the planet and help us to keep in contact with friends that we would have lost contact with years ago. And yet many people, in their moments of honest reflection, will recognize that social media and Netflix can play a numbing and distracting role in our lives as well.
I co-led a substance-abuse group at a community mental health agency during my Master’s program. During one session we asked all the group members what coping strategies they could turn to when they were feeling the urge to use drugs. For many of the group members the only coping strategy they had was social media and netflix/television. For these group members, Netflix was the ultimate distraction from the urge to use drugs, as well as a distraction from the underlying inner issues that were causing the desire to use drugs as well.
If scrolling through Instagram is the best way you’ve found so far to get a break from emotions that feel so intense they could take over you - then, yeah, scroll away…and scroll away with the knowledge and awareness of the function that Instagram is playing in your life.
Again, the first thing to do is to acknowledge and become aware of the role that media is playing in numbing and distracting us.
Then you can make the choice on when to use this numbing practice intentionally and with awareness of what you’re doing when. You can also make the choice when the time is right to begin to become curious about why you need to numb yourself and what you are distracting yourself from internally.
Religion/Spirituality
Religious beliefs and spirituality can be incredible resources and sources of strength and resilience for a person. Religion and spirituality can offer a way of opening us up to more fully and compassionately encountering and understanding ourselves and others and what it means to be human in the world.
Sometimes however, our religious and spiritual beliefs can actually be in part an avoidance strategy to keep us from coming into contact with internal issues that may be difficult for us to face.
Sometimes, instead of our spiritual and religious beliefs opening us up to mystery and connection and trust, it can become a box that keeps us closed in. Small boxes can seem cozy and safe and they may protect us for a time…but sometimes like a goldfish that only grows as big as its tank, the boxes we construct can end up stifling our own growth, leaving us cramped and without room to do the stretching and expansion our soul/spirit truly craves.
Over-Exercising
Healthy movement is good for us. Feeling and moving our bodies is healthy physically, but also mentally as well. There is however, a way in which for some of us our exercising is a way of avoiding or compensating for a deeper issue within us.
Sometimes we exercise to avoid deep feelings of shame or inadequacy from earlier life events. Sometimes we exercise as an intentional strategy to reduce anxiety. Sometimes we exercise to silence and overpower a part we don’t like within us (our “lazy” part for example). Sometimes we exercise because it is the best source of meaning that we have been able to find for our lives so far.
Sometimes we exercise in a desperate attempt to deny our own mortality and the inevitability of aging. As Alan Downs writes in The Velvet Rage, “there’s nothing wrong in wanting to look younger, but when it takes on such an importance in our lives that we are willing to do just about anything to hang on to the illusion of youth, it is symptomatic of a deeper issue” (Downs, p.99).
People-Pleasing
We often think of people-pleasing as being all about trying to make the other person happy. We can even find ourselves saying things like, “I’m just too kind of a person to tell someone how I really feel”, or, “I just really don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings”. Yes, there is totally a place for being aware of how our words will impact and be received by another.
And also, if we’re honest with ourselves, much of people-pleasing is about trying to avoid an unpleasant feeling or emotion in ourselves. In my experience, the two common emotions and feelings we’re trying to avoid when we deny our own truth are guilt and anxiety.
When we say and do what others want us to, we usually receive positive feedback. Hugs and smiles and pats on the head…on one level it can feel really great! It totally makes sense. And on another level, in order to say and be what others want us to be when it is inauthentic to who we really are and what we are really feeling requires us to continually disconnect from our own deep knowing and push down authentic parts of ourselves that are crying out to be expressed.
What Now?
What happened as you read through the above list? Do you employ any of those numbing/avoidant strategies? If not those, are there others that you may be thinking of? And then, the next question is - what would I have to feel or encounter if I was not utilizing those strategies…
If it feels as if feeling or encountering or facing the emotions is confusing, or overwhelming, or just more than you feel like you can do on your own, partnering with a counselor to engage in that work together may be a great next step to consider.
Are you ready for the next step???
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